Sunday, January 28, 2007

Jumble, the emotion version

I felt like posting, but now I don't know where to start. Had a good weekend. But (you saw this coming, perhaps?) the kitties are still living here with me in Portland. They were supposed to be with Jason barreling down I-84 to our new home in WaWa. They would not cooperate. Correction -- Rachel would not cooperate. She would not get in the carrier. Correction -- large kennel with plenty of space and openness. And, no, I can't just shove her in there. We don't pick up our cats -- not our choice. After 3 years of cohabitation, they are still skittish. We've made such progress with them, but we still have a long way to go (and will probably never get all the way there). So, thanks to her (what I consider to be) irrational fear of us, it is now up to me to try to get them in the carrier and out to WaWa or to come back to Portland this weekend to try to corral them and get them moved. Why does everything have to be so freakin' hard? Yes, I know, realistically, everything is not so hard. But, darn it, I just wanted something to go exactly how I had envisioned it. Ha! That was probably my first mistake.

And, I found out that my great aunt has died. I wasn't particularly close to her. We had kind of tried to get to know each other better, but it didn't really work out. I'm trying not to regret that because she is gone now and things can't change. So, I'm a little sad. I'm also sad for her sisters and my aunt, who loved her dearly. I also know she had been battling cancer, though I'm not sure that's what killed her, so I'm worried she may have suffered. Death doesn't bother me -- we all die and I like to imagine the deceased go on to the afterlife of their choosing, i.e., I'm not worried about them now that they are gone. I feel the need to go the funeral, not so much to say goodbye, but to comfort those there who are grieving.

I'm sad too to be leaving Portland. Well, not the city so much, though there are places I will miss. But the people. Some I will stay in touch with, some I will not. I have a hard time with goodbyes. My parents divorced when I was really little, so I got started early with the goodbyes (leaving one parent to be with another). For a while, I had even convinced myself that saying goodbye didn't bother me. But it does. More accurately, I struggle more with letting things and people go. Trusting that they will or will not come back, and which ever happens is okay. That I'll be okay.

I just feel weird, and I didn't expect that. I expected to be elated about my job and our nice new home and finally starting the WaWa life we began three months ago. I'm not regretting or wanting to change things. But I'm sad. And happy. It feels so strange to hold both emotions at once. I've been listening to the song, "Closing Time" by Three Doors Down, which has the line: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." I guess I wish this new beginning didn't have to mean that I have to leave people I love dearly. I wish there was some way to live in a small town with all the people I love. Yes, that would probably drive me nuts often. And, no, the universe doesn't revolve around me. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting that wish go.

Okay, I'm rambling. Struggling, really, with how best to express my jumble of emotions.

1 comment:

liv said...

hang in there mama. it's just a new adventure. we are not far away and you know were always here for you. i'm always a phone call away. xo