Friday, December 23, 2011

Dear Universe,

*Note: this is something I've been meaning to do, write a letter to the Universe, and thought I'd share it with you all. In case you don't know, last week I rejoined the ranks of the unemployed. So, it's time for a little soul searching or universe searching in this case. I'm a big believer that if you make room in your life, the universe will send what you need/what you were meant to have your way. It holds true for me - it's how Jason, Aggie and Mimi all came in to my life. So, without further ado...

Dear Universe,

How are you?  Okay, I'm stalling.  I've been stalling for more than a week - actually for more than 18 months.  I'm scared and I don't know why.  You've sent me all kinds of goodness - nay, greatness.  When I have opened up my life, cleared out the unessential, you have sent me the most wonderful of gifts.  Thank you.  Maybe this should be a thank you note - my life is tremendous.  Thank you.

However, given the past 18 months of my life - career opportunities not working out - I am beginning to suspect that you are sending me a message.  That you have something you'd like to give me, if I'd just open up my life, my heart, and let it in.

I guess I'm afraid that I'll fail again.  Or I won't like what you send me.  Or I don't know what.  But I'm afraid.  Perhaps what I'm really afraid of is that this it - I do have a great life and I need to accept it as it is, despite wanting more.

But, this past week, you sent me another gift - affordable, part-time day care for the girls at our beloved day care.  And it's a win for all parties involved.  I am so grateful - thank you.

So, I suspect your bounty is endless and that it's okay to ask for more - the worse you could say is nothing at all.

I love my family dearly (immediate, extended and created), but I want more than just them in my life.  I want work that is meaningful beyond my small sphere.  I want work that fills me up, serves a purpose in the lives of others, that challenges and inspires me.  I want work that allows me ample quality time with my family and doesn't ask me to choose between the two, because the family will always come first.

Truly, that is all I have ever wanted, from the time I was a young girl - a family and work that I love.  The family part I've got and will continue to nurture.  Now, I ask for the work part.

As my Freewill Astrology horoscope said this week:

In 2012, Taurus... The coming months will be prime time for you to lay the foundations for a worthy project that will captivate your imagination for a long time -- and perhaps even take you decades to complete.

That sounds amazing.  Please, send that.

Thank you.

All the love in the universe,


Friday, December 09, 2011

Monday, December 05, 2011

Liebste Iris,

Wir wunschen Dir ein schoes Geburtstag.  Viel Glueck, Spass und Gesund zum nachstem Jahr.


Cora, Jason, Aggie & Mimi

Friday, December 02, 2011


From the title, you may have guessed - things are going so much better!  Wheeeeeeeeeee!  I am a tad giddy.

The happiness feels a touch fragile.  I note this only in hopes of reminding myself that should something troubling come up that my happiness wasn't a fluke or a lie, just on ground that has not yet hardened.

And to learn from my current state - for it's my opinion I should learn from the positive and the negative - here's what I think is contributing to it:
  • Mimi has been sleeping through the night; hence, so have I - at least two nights this week!
  • I'm back on my protein and veggie diet, which seems to help me have more stable moods and energy.
  • I've taken time to relax each evening after the girls go to bed and before I go to bed (mainly by watching Clean House - love that show!).
  • Someone is out on vacation for this week (and next!).
  • I had a lovely, relaxing weekend with Aunty Ruu (thanks, Aunty Ruu!).
  • When my anger has flared, 85% of the time I've remembered to breathe deeply.
  • The girls have been so super cute and fun.
  • The weather hasn't been too cold and it's been sunny.
  • I've found a ton of new blogs to read.
  • I'm reading The Happiness Project and found a kindred spirit in the author.
  • I'm trying not to apologize for little things.
  • I made another friend date for Sunday, and my house will be full on friends on Saturday for Mandarin Day (Observed) party.
About the girls - Mimi's top two front teeth are coming in and they're so cute!  And Aggie has started speaking in full sentences occassionally.  Generally when chocolate milk is involved.  Last night, she asked, "Hey! What happened to the chocolate milk?" (actually sounded like: "Hey! Dawt apen doklet nilk?")  I replied, "That's right!  I'll go make some."  "Awesome!"  The cuteness made me fall over.

I also made a big break through on the walk to the car the other night.  I struggle when people are upset with me.  I work very hard, mentally, to figure out how to change that.  I remind myself that people have a right to their feelings, but that's not the real issue.  The real issue is I need to be okay that they are upset with me - that I struggle with.  That slight shift in perspective shot straight to my core and I realized that is where the issue lies.  I need to learn to be okay that people are mad at or unhappy with or sad about (etc.) me.  That I don't actually have to care or change that feeling, but I do have to live with it. 

Happy Day!

Monday, November 28, 2011

More Messages from the Universe

Below is my for this week horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

In Woody Allen's film Midnight in Paris, the Ernest Hemingway character says, "All cowardice comes from not loving, or not loving well enough." Given the state of your current astrological omens, Taurus, that is an excellent piece of advice. I suspect you are going to be asked to call on previously untapped reserves of courage in the coming weeks -- not because you'll have to face physical danger but rather because you will have a chance to get to the bottom of mysteries that can only be explored if you have more courage than you've had up until now. And the single best way to summon the valor you'll need is to love like a god or goddess loves.

On the right path...

I just had to share this, given last night's post.

Everyday, I receive a Daily Thought in my inbox from Real Simple.  This is the quote I received this morning:

"To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first." - William Shakespeare

Should the universe be sending me a message, I think it's now telling me I'm on the right path.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


My dearest friend, Ms. Heather, talked to me about articulating intentions, that by doing so, you aid in accomplishing them. 

Here are my intentions for this week:
  1. get out of bed Monday through Friday at 5:40 am
  2. be in bed by 8:45 pm each night (except Saturday)
  3. read chapter 1 of The Happiness Project 
  4. when I feel angry, take a deep cleansing breath
  5. write and send one thank you note

The Climb

Things are...okay.  Fragile and tender.  What I have realized is that it's time to put my big girl panties on.  To take my big girl pill.  For the past 16 years, I've been trying to get by on auto-pilot, on good enough.  And good enough just ain't cuttin' it anymore.  This is the message I'm hearing recently, again and again.  It's time to grow up and beyond.

And part of me really doesn't want to.  This part of me is angry, stamping its feet, pouting, clinging desperately to the status quo.

But another part of me knows that if I keep going as I have, then I will lose things that are very important to me, that mean the world to me.  And no part of of me wants that to happen.

It's time to switch drivers, to start listening to other voices in my head, to push up and out, beyond this hard shell of lethargy, fear and vanity.  What's inside has beauty and shadow, blood and guts, blossoms and decay.  Part of this growth is accepting that I am a mixture of positive, negative and neutral, black, white and gray.  That the positive is not always positive, same with the negative and neutral - it's all in flux, needed at different times, for different occasions.  That just as the bad shall pass ("...and this too shall pass..."), so will the positive, that it all flows.  At this point, it's about averages, the middle ground, the balancing point.

At the start of my yoga class today, the teacher talked about how yoga (and, ostensibly life) is like climbing a mountain.  To get to the top, you have to make the climb, keep going, adjusting to altitude, building muscles, resting and acclimating.  If you try to fly to the top and then survive, you can't because you haven't prepared.  But if you make the climb, put in the work, the effort, the sacrifice and the strain, then you can reach the top, you can stay and survive.

I have a mountain to climb.  I have to stop trying to find my ride to the top.  It's time to put in the work.  It's time to endure the pain, remembering that is when strength is built. 

The dog days are over; the dog days are done.  Can you hear the horses?  'Cause here they come.

Theme Song

Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too. oh.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height
By someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses
'Cause here they come

By Florence + the Machine

Monday, November 21, 2011

A friend date

On Sunday, I met up with a co-worker and went for a walk. It was so great to get out of the house and move and chat. Just an hour and a half and I felt so energized.

Plus, her two kids are 5 and 7 and you could converse with them. It made me excited for the girls and I to talk someday.

I've also signed up to do The Happiness Project and bought the book by Gretchen Rubin. It's about training yourself to be happier by creating your own happiness plan.

For Thanksgiving, we're having dinner with friends and their family. Then Saturday, I'll make a solo trip to Portland for a baby shower and Heather time. We plan to go to a sauna, eat Thai food, watch Love, Actually and go to yoga. Relaxing and rejuvenating.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

A Colorful Blog

Found via another blog I read.  Thought some of my crafty readers might enjoy:

The Color Issue

And, she's doing a fabulous giveaway (fingers crossed that I win!):

Thanks, Aarean!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Photo Card

Big Cubes Tangerine Baby Announcements
Graduation invitations and announcements by Shutterfly.
View the entire collection of cards.
Photos by Aunty Ruu (aka Heather Binns) - thank you!!!

The Happiness Project

Thursday, November 10, 2011


I started a new blog over on Tumblr for all the quotes I've been collecting lately, on this blog, book marked on my cell phone, in emails.  As a resource for me - easy to search, a place to go when needing inspiration.  And hopefully, a place of inspiration for others.  Plus, I'm toying with the idea making a book for the girls of life inspiration; a way to give advice without really giving it.

Read on:

This is the correct web address! 

Parenthood is my crucible

I've been carrying that title in my brain and just wanted to get it down. Right now, everything feels very intense; I'm on from the moment I wake until both girls go to sleep. My job is ridiculously complicated and, when paired with parenting two small children, I feel I am on.all.the.time. I feel excessities are melting away, physically and emotionally, revealing new areas of strength and weakness.

I am humbled by those that do all I do and more.

I am awed that I have not quit yet, given up, run away. That I am learning to find the silver linings and wear them with pride.

Team Player

Ags is already, unwittingly, a team player. She got sick and I stayed home with her today; during her 3.5+ hour nap I've finally gotten the break, the downtown time I've so desperately needed.  Thank you, Ms. Aggie.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Just wanted to say...

Mimi is just so amazing. I know I'm her mom, but she is just fantastic. Tonight, we laughed together - not about anything, we just wanted to laugh. And she loves, loves, loves kisses. And smiling is her favorite hobby.

It is amazing to me, this thing called motherhood. And having the second babe has made all the difference. Workmans, you were right.

Love Chooses Us

Excerpt from: When the Words Don't Fit by Sarah Healy

So, I suppose that’s the point: Love chooses us.

My husband and I don’t have a great “meeting” story. We met in a conventional way and had a conventional wedding. And in some sense, we lead a conventional life.

But my husband has seen me at my worst, at my most vile. And he has seen me at my best. He knows the things I don’t tell anyone, and the lies that I tell everyone but him. I have made sacrifices for him and been angry about it. Sometimes his flaws are so egregious, so blatant, they are all I see. And sometimes his kindness is so stunning that I am humbled.

And that’s love. Big, epic, fairy-tale love. The kind of love people write about. The kind of love that could inspire a poem.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

This is only a test

Holy mother of god, what a week this has been. I won't rehash the details here but it's been a stressful one. Multiple situations in which I had to call upon my self-confidence to weather the bombardment. But weather it I did, so really it's a good thing, I guess. Problem areas have been revealed, as well as some...solution isn't the right word...more paths through the murkiness, though I don't know the state or destination of them. 

This week has also revealed that the girls and I have great relationships. (Though I must confess that I worry I don't pay enough attention to Mimi; I'm guessing this will change with time and the girls needs and will never be a perfect balance.)

The Good
- hosted book club and had a fantastic evening - really enjoy the company of those ladies.
- had lunch with two co-workers and found out one lives mere blocks from me - I may just yet have a friend in M-F!
- had my boss, his wife and two young daughters over for football watching and play date.
- Random Act of Kindness: let one of the day care teachers practice her English with me (she speaks really well but lacks confidence, and she feels safe with me to push her language boundaries).
- alas, no coloring (fierce scribbling with a black crayon might have been very therapeutic).

Overall, wonderful gifts, some in very yucky packages.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Good the Third

All righty, lots o' goodness this week:
- attended friends' baby shower, caught up with other friends and made Mandarin Day party plans
- made lunch date with co-workers for this coming week
- spent the weekend in Wallows with J's childhood friend and his family
- took the girls, by myself, to the store and the library, all in one evening (no one died or even cried)
- attended a Halloween party at the library with Aggie
- random act of kindness: bought J a six pack of decent beer
- purchased an arty coloring book and color pencils for myself (to celebrate that I've lost 35 lbs since May) and did some coloring

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Good: Week the Second

Going strong. This week I:

- took dinners of cream of broccoli potato soup and jalapeno corn bread to families with new babies

- colored with Aggie and on my own

- attended a party that one of Jason's co-workers invited me to

- offered to host the next book club meeting

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Good: Week the First

To follow-up on my post, Good, this week I:
- started the book for book club The Thirteenth Tale, which is super good. I'm listening to it on CD, so I also get to enjoy the British accents.

- my random act of kindness: Certificate of Appreciation to Victor, the janitor at work and a friend, for the cleanest of carpets and and the brightest of smiles.

- my coloring for the week:

Monday, October 10, 2011

Two years

My dearest Aggie,

Two years ago today, you came into this world and our lives. Thank you. You have opened up my life in so many incredible ways. I am in constant awe of you. Sometimes, but only sometimes, you are a massive pain in the butt - who isn't? Anyway, you are my best friend and I love you dearly.

In the past year, you went from being a baby to a little girl. You learned to crawl, then strut. You started eating regular food and gave up bottles. You became my little helper and a big sister. Your tantrums are very loud but pretty short. You give great kisses and hugs and say thank you ("dank doo") like a champ. You have the best belly laugh and you sing awesomely.

I am so excited to see what your third year brings. Keep ferociously being you. The world and your family needs you.



Wednesday, October 05, 2011


Thanks to Carmen, Hilleri and Amanda for the advice. And to Nan for throwing out the challenge. Y'all have inspired me. Here's a what I'm gonna do:

- Stick with my book club; I'm sure I'll be able to go again some day and eventually, finish a book (!)

- Start coloring (I find it very soothing), first with crayons then maybe colored pencils, pastels and inks

- Do one random act of kindness each week, planned but not overly so, spending little money

- Updating this blog with my progress

Thanks y'all.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Desperately Seeking a Friend

I've been in Walla2 for four years now and I've yet to make a friend, a real friend. I have met many fabulous people and enjoyed their company. But I haven't met anyone I can just call up and invite somewhere on a moments notice or ask for favors and vice versa. I've gotten close a couple times but nothing's stuck. And I'm sad and lonely.  Jason's in the same boat.  Though someone I know moved here 6 mos ago and has friends galore. I just don't get it. I've invited, accepted invites, done the networking thing...nada. Is it me?  I've made friends in the last 4 years, just not locally. What gives?

Frustrated and sad, but not ready to give up hope. A chum has to be out there, right?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Wanting the win

You've heard the adage that the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions expecting different results.  So, by that definition, I am insane.

For a few weeks, we had come up with a good bed time routine for the Agster.  Then, it stopped working.  She pulls out every excuse in the universe to get out of going to bed - potty, water, owie - very "Go the F*** to Sleep" (but I have resisted saying that to her - kudos por moi).

Instead of trying to find the new things that work, I keep doing the old things that worked again and again, hoping beyond reasonable hope that she just needs reminding of the old routine and then she'll go back to it.

And, I want to win.  I want to triumph over the devious, stubborn toddler and have her fall asleep using the techniques I have deemed "The Routine."  I want to feel victorious at having tamed the wild, non-sleeping beast with my proven tactics.

Needless to say, I got very frustrated Sunday night (and did not win).  And it was Jason who finally got her to bed after more than an hour of my insanity.

I will give myself another kudo - I never raised my voice or lost my temper with her (though I sure let Jason know exactly what I was thinking).  That is a huge feat for me - which I'm both proud and ashamed of.  Proud that I was able to stay in control; ashamed that it's something to celebrate and not a given.

Not sure where we go from here, though we'll find our way because we always do.  The first step I took was not putting her to bed last night.  I may go the same route tonight.  And then a big heaping spoonful of patience and good size serving of humble pie.  Good thing both are available in limitless supply.

Friday, September 09, 2011

My Baby

My first time away from this sweetie. A little bittersweet.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Friday, September 02, 2011

White Whine

Have you heard of this?  I just learned about it via Gin & TacosWhite Whine is a web site that chronicles white Americans complaining about first world problems, i.e., the maid called in sick, or I couldn't get the color Escalade I wanted, etc.

Love it!  And here's why - it's reminding me that I've got it pretty awesome.  This morning, in the wee hours, I got up to make Mimi a bottle.  I don't have an easy to see clock in my bedroom, so as I'm tromping to the kitchen, I think to myself, "It better not be 10 min. before my alarm is supposed to go off - that is the worst."  And I caught myself and acknowledged that would not be the worse - I have a healthy baby, a home, running water, clean bottles and fresh formula.  So, actually, not so bad.  And, just now, I was about to complain about a boring project I'm working on, then I reminded myself that I sit at a nice desk, doing very easy work and get paid decently to do it.  And now, I'm feeling really good about my situation.  So, it's not an exercise in beating myself up, but reminding myself how good life is.

Also, funds have been tight for Team D lately.  I keep thinking, "we have no money."  But I try to correct myself and think, "I have money but I'm not willing to spend it on such and such."  We have savings and spending money, but just not so much that I can mindlessly spend, which I think is a good thing. 

Just trying to respin thought patterns so I'm seeing my life as abundant rather than lacking.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Seven Random Things About Me

Encouraged by this post at Finding Magnolia:

A List of Seven Random Things About Me
  1. Lately, I cannot get to bed and asleep before 9:30 pm, despite being exhausted and probably could go to sleep at 5 pm - I stay up and read magazines, blogs and Facebook.
  2. I'm listening to Outliners by Malcolm Gladwell during my commute - loving it.  It's both interesting and he's a great narrator.
  3. I do not shower every day.  I tell myself it's because I don't want to dry my hair out (with the washing and blow drying and flat ironing) but that's a lie - I'm just too lazy.
  4. I have started flat ironing my hair and it looks great when I do it.  I finally have the hair I always wanted, when I'm not too lazy to do it.
  5. I recently tried diet hot chocolate (powder mix) and it is suprisingly creamy and yummy.
  6. When my dog thumps her tail, it drives me nuts, though she does it to get pets.  When she does it, I feel anxious, annoyed and guilty.
  7. I like to eat hot dogs cold.
If you're so inclined, share seven random things with me!

Losing All Respect

Hi again!

So, this morning, I had a conversation with someone and in a matter of seconds this person said something that made me lose all respect for that person.  Let's call that person Gene.  We were talking about Gene's kid's first of day of kindergarten.  This kindergarten staggers the kids initially, so it isn't until the third week of school that all the kids are going full-time.  I mentioned that that was probably great for the kids, as well as the teachers - give them all a chance to ease into things.  Gene said, "I'm not too worried about the teachers; they get a million in-service days and have the entire summer off."  I replied about how difficult it can be to have so many 5 year olds at one time, especially since they'd never been to school before.  Gene didn't respond.

And boom - respect gone.

It was so obvious to me that Gene does not respect teachers, despite the fact that Gene's family has handed over the care of their children to them.   I was really tempted to ask if Gene had ever taken care of 30 five year olds at one time.  My guess is no or for not any extended period of time. 

Gene's comment also smacked of entitlement and elitism.  I know for a fact that Gene has an extremely healthy bank account - Gene could stop working today and be fine for quite some time.  Gene is also on the fast track at work to head the company in a few years.  I am noticing these types of attitudes more and more in the company I keep and it's bothersome.  How does one combat that and actually be heard and not written off as a shrill feminist?

More importantly, though, I need to look at my own attitudes and assumptions and challenge the entitlement and elitism I find there.

I think what surprised me the most through this whole exchange with Gene was just how quick all the respect I had for Gene (which, granted, was not a whole lot) disappeared.  And that it will take some time to be built back up (if ever depending on Gene's future actions).

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Still Alive...

And thriving!  What a whirlwind having two girls, a spouse and full-time job is.  But, for the most part, I'm loving every day.  The happiness has not gone away. 

Amelia is great - she's 4 1/2 months and weighs 14 lbs.  She is such a happy baby.  She rarely fusses - even when she's not feeling good, she'll flash you a smile.  And such a love!  She loves getting kisses, esp. on the mouth.  And so mellow!  She'll just chill in her chair, watching her family buzz about her.  But make no mistake, piss her off and she will have no problem letting you know just how pissed off she is.  She makes her self known - she's just happens to be happy most of the time.  And she's starting to jabber, trying to say Buh, which sometimes sounds like Puh...Papa, of course!  And girlfriend loves the raspberry/zerbert.

Aggie is good - she is getting better at making her will and desires known.  Which is a good thing - want an independent minded girl, but can also be pain-inducing when she attempts to use screaming to get her point across.  We're working on it.  It just makes me sad to see her upset and frustrated.  And of course, annoyed and angry, sometimes too.  We'll put her in time-outs, but only when we just can't deal any more and don't want to yell at her.  I think that's kinda funny - it's really more a time out for us, but we can't take the time because we're generally having to clean something up.  She's also very compassionate.  She says "bless you" and asks if we're okay often - also if Mimi and Bella are okay.  And she says thank you all the time - please still takes prompting, but thank you is down cold (it sounds more like "dank doo").

Jason and I, as a couple, are also doing well.  We did an informal assessment of our relationship the other night and it was very positive and appreciative.  I tell you, having a second kid has made me a better person.  There just isn't time and we don't have the effort to also put up with my little issues and tantrums.  Also, we're better at being a team because if we're with one girl, we just assume the other is helping out with the other girl.  There's a lot more assuming the positive going on.

And, I've been losing weight via diet modification and also exercising.  The cleaner diet and increased energy help a lot with my mood and anxiety.

I still have bumps but it's much, much easier for me to recognize them as bumps, rather than potential catastrophies.

In a nutshell - life is good. 

Friday, July 22, 2011


Perhaps I have written a post already on this topic - unconditional love.  Maybe?  I'm too lazy to go back and look.

Unconditional love - that phrase gets thrown around a lot when discussing the relationship between children and parents/caretakers (groan - yes, another blog post about freaking parenting).  On the drive to work this morning, I was thinking about the dance party Aggie and I had in the bathroom while I was getting ready and the look in her eyes when she would look at me.  Lots of love and adoration and trust and excitement in those eyes.  And my first thought was, "How wonderful unconditional love is."  My second thought was, "Unconditional phewy.  I've worked really hard for that love."  It's true.  I have worked hard to cultivate a strong relationship with my daughter, one that is based on trust, boundaries, caring and fun.  Granted, my efforts sometimes backfire.  But when she runs up to me and grabs me around the knees, I've earned that.  And I will keep working to earn that.

So, I don't believe in unconditional love.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I do believe it exists, particularly between children and those that care for them, but it's like the filling in a layer cake - thin and yummy and the glue that keeps the substantial parts of the cake together, but by no means the substance of the cake.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

An Ending

I decided to stop breast feeding today.  As in, today is the last day.  And I am sad about it.  Ready to cry.  Mimi doesn't need, doesn't even really want it.  I suspect I never had quite enough to sustain her.  But I loved the closeness, the chill time together.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

More like a Seesaw

So I talked to my doc regarding the whole "happiness as a scab" metaphor. We agreed that one should not be so focused on happiness but emotional equilibrim. Like standing on a seesaw, trying not to tilt too far one way or another, with balancing being the goal.

I did have a rough day Monday, a combo of emotional and mental fatigue, of being exhausted from go-go-going. So, we took the night off from our To Do list and hung out with the girls. Just what we needed.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Happiness is a scab

I pick at scabs, around the edges, checking to see if the wound has healed, won't bleed if the scab is gone.

I keep picking at my happiness, except, in this metaphorical case, I'm expecting blood, trying to find where the injured parts still remain.

I don't trust this happiness, that it's not here for the long haul, that it's not actually real.

In OCD-free moments, I remind myself to just enjoy the happiness, that it probably won't continue unabated forever (nothing can) but that this happiness is proof, too, that the depression/sadness/anxiety also doesn't last forever.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011

Crying Update

Feeling a little foolish. Amelia cries...'cause she's hungry. She is growing, growing and my boobs just don't get her what she needs sometimes. So, she cries.

Now that we've figured it out, I'm more sympathetic.

We've done a bottle from day 3, and she's had no nipple confusion, so the remedy is a simple one.

And she's finally outgrown her newborn clothes and is rounding out nicely.

Her smiles are like crack they are so addictive; luckily, she gives them readily.

She is becoming something of a night owl.  We love her still.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Kindred Spirit

For a while now, I've been meaning to share a blog with you that I love, love, love: The Crazy Baby Mama.  Yes, another Mommy blogger, but this one's different, I swear. She is an American mom of two living on a kibbutz in Israel. And she's a kindred spirit. Hi Sarah!

Sarah reminds me of my Mommy mentor, Ms. Amanda (aka Lovey). Amanda recently gave me some mad props (see the comments for the previous post). Little does she realize how much watching her parent her two kids has positively influenced my parenting. She's a wonderful mix of loving, strict, silly, no b-s, caring and fun that I strive to be. And though by Thursday, she will live hundreds of miles away, I know she will continue to guide me. Hugs, Lovey.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Win a trip to Paris

The blog, Oh Happy Day, is giving away a trip for two to Paris:

The only reason I'm telling you (thereby possibly increasing my competition) is because it's one of the ways you enter. And I want to win! So stay away from my trip to Paris. I promise, if you do, I'll send you a postcard. Aren't I kind?

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Drunk Baking

Watch "My Drunk Kitchen Ep. 4: Not Easy, Bake Oven" on YouTube

Sheer brilliance. This is exactly how baking goes for me, minus the alcohol. I still mess it up just as badly. Baking makes no kind of logic to my brain. Probably because the margin of error is small. I need a wide margin.

On a related note, dearest Heather got me this book for my birthday: The Flavor Thesaurus

Recipes are not so much my thing. I always feel compelled to make substitutions, tweak, etc. I have a difficult time following directions.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Content & Grounded

My dear friend, Heather, made a wonderful observation about me yesterday: she said that this weekend is the most content and grounded she's ever seen me.

Having known me 9 years, that statement carries some weight, most of all because I feel the truth of it.  There is a solidness in my chest, not a feeling of being weighed down but more like an anchor - secure. Learning a new job and having young kids is keeping me very present, in the moment. And my brain is letting me stay there. It's not seeking that next thing or looking for greener grass. It wants to be here and now, something that hasn't happened in forever.

I thank Heathy for pointing this out because though I am present, I am also sleep-deprived, and making those kinds of observations spontaneously is beyond my current mental capacity.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Outta the Mouths of Babes

Hearing my baby cry does not tug at my heart strings.

No, it annoys the ever loving crap out of me, and I just want it to stop. I find little else as grating as her cries.

Logically, I know she too is frustrated/hurt/in need of something and is doing her best to communicate it with me. Emotionally, I'd rather she keep it to herself until she can use her words or show me what's going on.

And, why, when babies are obviously tired, do they cry about it? Why not just go to sleep, for the love of all that is good in the 'verse?

(This post implies that I have not thoroughly enjoyed my 3 day weekend, but nothing could be farther from the truth; I just haven't enjoyed the last 2 hours of it.)

Saturday, May 28, 2011


Testing out mobile blogging on my Droid.

I've missed you, dear blog, but an opportunity to chill in front of the computer for the 20 minutes it takes to draft a post does not seem possible in my near future.  So, I compromise.

Thankful for the Droid's full Qwerty keyboard, but still miss typing with all my fingers. The pic upload is better than full Blogger.

I'm chillin' in the car with the sleeping babies and the dog while Jason and Aunty Ru explore Waitsburg.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Quick Update

For those of you not on Facebook -

things are good; busy and exhausting, but good.  Acclimating to the second kid is going well - we're all doing well with that.  Our visitors have left, and looking forward to Aunty Ru's visit.

I got a full-time job and start tomorrow; Amelia will go with Ags to our beloved day care.

I've written about a bajillion posts in my head but haven't found the time to sit down and write.  Amelia likes to be held, so I hunker down in the living room, far from the key board.  I need to give blogging from my phone a try.

Big hugs to all of you.

Friday, April 15, 2011


Baby Amelia was born right on time.  I'll post her birth story at some point in the nearish future.  We're all doing great, if a little tired.

Amelia Anne
April 5, 2011
3:12 pm
7 lbs, 15 oz
21 in

My favorite picture EVER:

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pics of quilt

In record time!  In case you didn't see them on Facebook...


Thanks to you who share your advice on tantrums and food throwing.  Very helpful.  We now have Aggie using a booster chair at the table and throwing instances have gone way down.  Now, who cares to explain why she goes down so easily for naps, but is utterly resistant to bed time?

We've had several requests for updates on Amelia - and we have none.  Still waiting.  I'm starting to feel more tired and regularly nauseated, with occasional Braxton Hick contractions, but that's it.  Still have a week until the due date.  My mom and I both think she'll come before then.

Speaking of my mom, she finished the quilt for Amelia and it's gorgeous!  I'll post pics sometime, eventually.

It's still wonderful having her here.  And she and Ags are thick as thieves.  So, emotionally, I'm doing a lot better, but I remind myself that this doesn't mean I'm over my depression.  She'll leave in a month and I need to be prepared for that.  I see my psychiatrist again on Wednesday and we have regular appointments scheduled.

Also...I've been reluctant to mention this (I'll get to why)...Aggie is going back to daycare full-time starting in April.  The main reason is because her daycare requested it.  It's their busy season and it's easier for them to schedule staffing if all kids are full-time.  And we want her to keep her spot there because I might get a job (*fingers crossed for one I applied for recently*).  And I know I can't handle Aggie and baby full-time. And I'm relieved Aggie, essentially, "has" to go full-time.  And I feel guilty (and apparently must compulsively use the word "and").  I know that daycare is flexible - I don't have to drop her off everyday or have her stay there a full day.  I just wish I could get the knack of this FTP gig. I think I've mentioned this before - I'm not used to not getting the hang of things or being good at something.  If I'm not good at it, I generally give-up.  In a conversation with my mom, I did acknowledge that I could give-up on parenting, I could, but I don't want to and that's important.  Obviously, I still have some issues to work out.  Thank goodness for health care covered therapy appointments.

Love to all of you.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Aggie woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.  Grump-a-lump.  It was all fine and good to talk about being understanding of her tantrums when she wasn't having any.  I'm trying to look at them as an exercise of my patience muscle.  No, they tantrums aren't about me - she's expressing herself, blah, blah - but I would like to deal with them as calmly as possible since I imagine there will be a lot of them.

Still there is one thing she does that just drives me up a wall - throwing her food, bowl, utensil, cup on the floor from her high chair.  She's been doing it for ages now but it still just gets my hackles up.  The main irritant is that she knows she's not supposed to do it, but does it anyway.  Me getting mad and showing her my displeasure isn't changing her behavior, but I am just drawing on a blank on how else to respond.  I'm baffled on what she's trying to tell me with such behavior.  Should I just ignore it?  Should I laugh?  Should I throw the food back at her?

Monday, March 21, 2011


I had a second visit with my psychiatrist last week and it was really good.  I forget just how well he and I work together.  We talked mainly about my mothering issues, meaning that I, at times, seek mothering from Aggie.  Which is, obviously, not appropriate or what I really need.  And I realized that I've sought it from other people in my life, which has led to creating, causing and compounding problems in our relationships.  So, I'm working on owning this.

Speaking of mothering, my mom arrived on Wednesday and it's been marvelous!  Not only is she super helpful, but it's great to have the company.  In addition to cleaning, cooking and childcare, she's made a blanket for each girl, and we're going to make a quilt for Amelia.  She and Ags get along great, though Aggie is teething and/or sick and has been a bit grumpy.  But also sweet.  She tries to pat us, like love pats - unfortunately, she often tries to give them to our faces and her control over her strength isn't great, so it feels more like hitting.  She's also talking more and will wander around saying "bay-bee" (baby), "bah" (ball), and "gago" (gato, Spanish for cat).  She can also say "apple" and "agua" (Spanish for water).

I'm feeling pretty good, though often, when Amelia moves around, it is uncomfortable.  I've been sleeping better, except for last night - I've been up since 3 am.  We're just waiting and it's hard waiting for things you want.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


After a suggestion from Jason, I went to see my psychiatrist last week.  And, the doctor and I both agreed, I'm depressed.


It was a good session.  We pinpointed one issue is that I feel I have too many things I don't want to be doing.  

Another is that, thanks to my daytime napping, I don't sleep well at night; therefore, I feel tired and low energy all the time. Not 100% convinced with this one, since I am 36 weeks pregnant, but I am attempting no napping and getting up at the same time everyday.

We set-up future appointments.  I do feel better since that first visit.  I've been focusing, during my "free" time, on things I want to be doing, not that I feel I have to do.  And Ags and I have been having fun together.  And Jason and I too.  And, my mom arrives next week, so more helping hands.

Although we may have determined that I am down, things are looking up.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


There is a new animated film coming out, entitled "Mars Needs Moms."  And I am irked.  Mars doesn't need moms - it needs parents.  I hate, hate, hate that fathers are still being left out (this is one of just many examples).  Last week or so, I was listening to a debate about women fighting in combat zones and how one of the arguments against it was how could we send mothers into harms way like that?  Granted, it was on NPR, so no one was giving that argument much credence, but I know many others do.  I was really tempted to call-in (alas, I was driving) and say how devastated my daughter would be if she lost her Papa, just as much as if she lost her Mama.  Or if she lost anyone close to her.  So, if the concern truly is about the child's welfare (which it isn't, but let's pretend), then we should only send unloved, unattached people into combat.

And not only does this argument dismiss the important roles many fathers play in their kids' lives, but also continues to let men off the hook.  That because you have a penis and did not give birth to the child, you are not as important and therefore don't need to worry about being an important part of that child's life.

The argument is also very hetero-centric, since some kids have two moms or two dads.  In the latter instance, how do you decide which dad or which mom to send into combat.  Granted, those making this argument probably wouldn't want to see either, since they're likely also anti-gay in addition to being misogynistic.

It also doesn't acknowledge all the military single parents.