10 years

On Tuesday, January 19, Jason and I celebrated ten years together.

I've tried but can't think of something to say that doesn't sound trite or cheesy, except...

I hope we have another ten years together.  And another ten after that.

To my anonymous commenter...

I received this anonymous comment last week:

"Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!"

Thanks. I think.

I do appreciate the feed-back. Really, I'm just trying to honestly write about my life and who I am. I do try to craft interesting, well-written entries, but I'm more focused on the honesty. It's nice to hear that I'm accomplishing both.

Month 3

As I sit writing this, Aggie lies next to me in her rocking chair, deciding whether or not to fuss or smile. Adorable one second, howling angry the next - that's been her state the past week. The ABBA playing seems to be helping.

Highlights of the past month - she laughed, twice. She likes to "read" along during story time. She's started noticing the dog. She likes television programs that show the ocean. She's starting to figure out that her two hands can work together. She has the sweetest smiles, esp. after she wakes up. She does not like to be introduced to too many new people at one time - two or three are her max. She tries to warn us when she's going to spit-up by cooing but we never have a clue. She looks amazed when we sing along to songs - like, "how do you do that?!?"

A friend asked me if I've had moments of regret over having a baby, and I don't regret it at all. I sometimes feel like Aggie deserves a better mom - someone more adept, less lazy, more energy. But, for the most part, I enjoy the process - the struggle, the loving moments, the moments of complete ineptitude. And I really enjoy her - thinking of a world without her and without her wonderful smile makes me sad, not just as her mom, but as a member of the human race. I feel the world really needs her smile.

In the past month, I think I've been more focused on my relationship with Jason than being a mom. And it needed that focus. We were able to work out some major sources of tension and frustration and get Jason through another minor medical emergency. We're now in a great spot - really supporting and appreciating each other. Which is especially important, since Aggie has been more on edge the past week.

Her first Christmas and New Years were really non-events. We spent Christmas at home, just the five of us, and didn't actually get her any gifts (though we did have a couple from others to open). New Years was celebrated at a friend's house and Aggie was asleep by 9 pm.

Aggie had her hearing test and passed; the doctor said her hearing was "fine," not great but she's definitely hearing in both ears (better in the right than the left). She also had another check-up - she was 11 lbs, 6 oz and 22 inches. She's not stellar on the charts or anything, but doing just fine.

Really, that's how's we're doing - just fine. And I'll take that, given that we had many reasons to sink below fine, but we've kept our heads above water and have carried on. Sometimes just surviving is enough, right?

Pic of the month:

Happy Holidays

Make a Smilebox greeting

Month 2

In the past month, it seems like Aggie has come out of her little baby shell. She's starting to talk - just oohhhs - but they're deliberate oohhhs. And she'll move her mouth, as though mimicking speech. I love our little chats. She smiles when awake. She looks at things. It's awesome.

I also love when she's laying flat on her back on my lap, head dangling over my knees, and I pull her up - the look on her face when I do that, the chubbiness of her cheeks, the arch of her neck. Then I plant a big kiss on her cheek and lay her back down.

The kisses and the chats are what I miss most when I'm away.

My one pet peeve - she's started fighting sleep. At two months old. It's going to be a long childhood. Four hour naps, please come back. Or at least start sleeping through the night.

Unfortunately, my kisses gave Aggie my cold - her first. Mainly, she's congested. Jason really stepped up, taking two days off of work, taking her to the doctor and suctioning her nose like a mo-fo. Her little voice has gotten hoarse, so she gives these really sad, little squeaky cries. She's steadily getting better, poor girl.

I started back to work at the beginning of December - just 3 days a week. When I'm at work, she's goes to a sitter, who's just awesome. She sends me Aggie updates during the day. People have asked if it's hard to be back and the first day it was. I kept wanting to run to the sitter's to give her kisses. But after that, it's not been hard. I really, really appreciate having me time back. I get 40 min. in the car during my commute, all by myself, to do what I want. I get adult interaction with really cool people. I get to do work that is meaningful to me. And I get to be with her more days than I'm at work. All of it makes me a more relaxed mom - I'm not taking the time I do have with her for granted (as much). I think some people doubted that I would want to go back to work, but I always knew I would want to, that I couldn't be me without having a job. I'm really grateful that this is working out and working out so well.

Next week, Aggie has an in-depth hearing test. After she was born, she had three hearing tests and none could get conclusive readings in the left ear. I think she at least has partial hearing in that ear. I'm not too worried. Even if she's partially deaf in that ear, there's so much that can be done finding out now. Plus, it will make it easier to talk about things she shouldn't know about while she's around - just stand on her left side (so just kidding).

I've been focusing more on self-care. I've started seeing an acupuncturist/chiropractor, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist. I'm managing my OCD all right - the lack of sleep and added stress have ramped it up a bit. So, I am going to see about increasing my medication to help with managing it.

While I was pregnant, I had so many people in my life tell me how excited they were about the baby. And now that she's here, none of them will baby-sit or change a diaper. Just kidding. Now that she's here, they are even more excited and full of love for her. It's like she has a fan club. And I love that. And appreciate it more than I can ever express. For her to have love from so many different sources is just amazing and will make her life blessed. Thank you.

Favorite pic of the month (thanks, Aunty Heather):