Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Another confession

Perhaps this blog's sub-title should be "the confessional?" Anyhoo, since I'm on the kick on sharing my secrets, I thought I'd share this too. Though this is not necessarily just my secret, so I'll stick to sharing only my feelings about it. Okay...

J and I are trying to have a baby. Well, perhaps trying is not the right word. We've not been using birth control, but we don't track my ovulation, etc. We've been doing this since September 2005, so 15 months or so. Obviously, we've not yet been successful, partly due to the fact that we have lived in different states much of the past 2 months, plus the stress of moving, changing jobs, etc.

How do I feel? Disappointed, scared, frustrated, worried. Earlier in the year, I had some intense "lady troubles" and had a sonogram of my uterus done (fun times). Yes, I've seen the inside of my own uterus -- beats navel gazing, I guess. Everything checked out. So, I don't know what is causing the lack of babyness -- timing being off, stress, weight gain, lack of exercise, Jupiter in retrograde, J taking too many hot baths, etc. Mostly, I'm worried that I won't be able to have children, though I have no solid evidence toward this conclusion. I've wanted a baby since I can remember -- even as a little girl. And adoption is an option, but not the first option. I want to birth a child and experience what I consider to be one of the pluses of being female. It just seems that many women have such an easy time (too easy of a time for some) conceiving.

Logically, I know I'm overreacting and that is perfectly normal for me. So, please, don't tell me that everything is going to be okay, rainbows, puppies, etc. This is just something I wanted to get off my chest. I haven't really talked about it much, even with J, because I'm trying to be calm and patient with it, but I struggle with achieving both those emotions. I guess this is an exercise in attempting to attain those states.

One funny side-effect of the baby desiring -- I'm going through my "petty jealousy" phase. I saw this woman with a tiny baby and thought "I'm much prettier than she is; I should have a baby instead of her." And I saw another woman -- girl actually, probably 18 or so -- and thought "I'm older and mature and responsible; I should have a baby instead of her." Yes, I will make a great parent. Ms. H is monitoring me for signs of plotting to steal a baby.

All that being said, isn't this baby so cute? Love his little lips. From www.superherodesigns.com/journal.


P.S. Regarding the subtitle of this blog (my own private idaho), no one has asked about it. But, I'll tell you anyway, because I'm proud of my perceived cleverness. I'm sure many of you thought it was a reference to the B-52s song, Private Idaho, which it is (and I absolutely love this song). It's also a reference to the fact that I was born in Idaho, Boise to be exact. And I like the idea of having my own private space, created by me. Okay, so not so very clever, really, but I'm proud of the subtitle.

The name of the blog, CoraNation, came from my co-worker. A play on words. When I was little, my dad used to like to say he'd been Coragated (a play on the word corrugated). My personal fave -- deCorated -- though I've never used it. It's how my mom taught me to spell the word, and I think it's kinda cute.

2 comments:

amandanator said...

I know you don't want "everything will be okay comments"...however, it took us over a year to conceive #2, so don't get too worried:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweetie,

I had difficulty conceiving (but recently have) and it took 2 + years. Timing can be a huge thing. Could have been for me, as hubby and I were only able to "meet up" once or twice a month until recently.

But I also wondered if I had any issues. I did some tests and everything came back normal. Finally I turned to Chinese medicine because I had had success in the past with other ailments. My period became healthier and both my husband and I had, shall we say, much more energy to get busy. I did the Chinese medicine for 4 - 5 months before getting pregnant.

I just wanted to share my experience, because believe me, I know how frustrating the process is and I'm still dealing with some repercussions of it. (Mistrust of women, anger with our sexist world, jealousy). But during the month I conceived I had stopped thinking about it and generally felt better about myself.

Wishing you the best during all of this and I'm sending you good vibes!

Avi