Monday, January 08, 2007

Clarification

First off, I just want to clarify something. Something that I've already clarified with J and maybe Ms. H, but I want to put it out there to the rest of you, since many of you are people I hang out with in "real" life. I want you to know that I will not be posting anything about you or our relationship that we haven't already talked about first. If something like that does appear, then please rush me to a hospital because I must have sustained some major head trauma. I am passive agressive enough in my day-to-day life that I don't want to add any of that here. Plus, it's just rude. If there is something happening with our relationship that I just have to blog about, then I should be brave enough to talk to you about it first. Word.

So, that thing I wrote about sometimes wondering if my marriage is a mistake? Yeah, J and I have talked about it. Now, we haven't discussed whether or not he wanted me to share it with y'all, but it's my feeling and my blog -- and maybe I should call him right now and talk about this before I say anything further about it.

This post came about from a discussion I had with a lovely friend who was concerned about the afore mentioned comment and how I'm doing. It was really very sweet of her to check up on me (and yes I told her that). But it was also weird. I say this not to discourage you all from bringing up what I write about on this site. On the contrary, bring stuff up if you're worried, curious, grossed out, whatev. But I'll let you know that it makes me uncomfortable, talking about myself in a genuine way, and that's one of the reasons why I have this blog. I want to be more honest with myself and about myself with others. I don't want to hide myself away. I felt that I was starting to do that again, and I didn't want to go back to that place. In college, I would sit at the dining room table, surrounded by dozens of classmates, and imagine myself floating in a bubble above the table, watching everyone. I would make it a game to see how little I could actually say about myself; how much I could keep hidden. None of you knew me then (in a day-to-day kind of way) but I imagine I did not succeed -- I'm sure my pain and insecurities were written all over my face. But it was a lonely time and a shameful time because I felt the need to hide who I was, that I was not acceptable. Not a fun place, in case you were thinking of visiting.

Maybe you're wondering if I told my friend this directly, and no, I did not. I am hoping she reads it here. It's also a message for all of you. And it's also a way for me not to target one or two specific friends with all my attention, troubles, etc., which I've also been known to do. I'm a little intense at times. Shocker, I know.

So, thank you Ms. V for our chat. I'm glad to know you're reading. And I'm glad to know the rest of you are reading -- though I imagine that there are more of you than those who leave comments (hint, hint). Thanks.

2 comments:

stucky said...

Surprisingly, a huge majority of my married friends have at one time or another confided that they sometimes wonder if their marriage was a mistake. I don't know what that means.

Does everyone feel this way and only as my closest friends get married do I hear about it?

Or maybe it's just our generation who don't have such familial pressure to marry who feel this way.

Got me. I'm not married to anyone via sheer willpower.

liv said...

um...i read you daily. sometimes i re-read. sometimes i can't get stupid spice girl songs outta my head because i have read about them here. that being said, i love that you share. i am not worried about you. i know very well that journaling is a place for you to "vomit" all your thoughts. sometimes folks get their panties in a twist, and that's when i remind them that it's my journal, for my thoughts and if they want to continue to be able to read it - they need to be respectful. alright. that's my words of wisdom for the day. i have to go to yoga now. :)