Posted on Very Zen today:
"My current theory is this: People who are prone to addiction usually have very distinct characteristics. One- We usually have some form of mental illness be it depression, mania, anxiety, or whatever. We are often too stubborn to seek treatment or don’t have the means so we self medicate. Two- We have a tendency to be oversensitive, every little thing upsets us and we will carry resentment to our graves. Fuck us and we’ll fuck ourselves twice. Three- We have the ability to be wholly self depreciating while simultaneously believing that we are really a good bit better than other folks. I think it’s called terminal uniqueness. And Four- we live in our own little worlds with our own little reality and refuse to develop the skills necessary to deal with people on their own terms. Therefore other people never behave like we think they should, and always let us down, we can’t see past our own noses and life is just unbearably fucking unfair all the time."
As much as it pains my psyche to admit this, this is totally and completely me. As you may recall from this post, I’ve been struggling alcohol, and have decided to stop drinking socially, as I can no longer control myself when I do. Most of my life, I have struggled with over/compulsive eating, another addiction, and have been co-dependent, yet another addiction. I am realizing slowly, because realizing it any faster would probably kill me, that I am a major source of my pain. I grew up in an emotionally unhealthy household, was a misfit in school and have been depressed since I was 10. I’ve worked through the stuff with my family, got over the rejection of my school mates, am surrounded by loving family and friends, have been taking meds and seeing a therapist. Yet, I’m still unhappy, in pain, lethargic. I can’t blame those other things anymore, and it’s time to take a long hard look in the mirror. It's hard work and sometimes I think I've worked through something only to have it come back and smack me hard (not in a good way). I still amaze myself with how much of a jerk I can be and how incredibly insensitive and selfish. My brain tries to find reasons for being so beyond myself -- I'm an only child; I'm too hard on myself; I deserve this -- but rarely do I accept that it's a character flaw, one that I need to work on.
There have been a couple instances in the recent past when I've done something that bothers J (somethings that were fairly harmless in my opinion). I've told him: "You know, I've always been like this, even when we were first dating. You know that I do this; it's who I am." I find it funny/ironic that I haven't been able to tell myself: "You know, you've always been like this. It's no one else's fault and no one else can fix it but you." Maybe this is a first step.