Today, the girls and I are together all day. Today, my mind is in an endless loop of criticism about my mothering. The last couple of weeks, I've been overcome by frustration and run completely out of patience and empathy. Today, so far, I have not. I have felt that burning knot of bile rising in my chest and taken a step back.
Growing up, my mom always told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. Being the perfectionist I am, I thought, well, I should put my mind to being the best, most perfect. I thought I should look like a super model, be valedictorian, etc - if not, then why even bother.
Today's loop has focused on being the best mom. More accurately, on how I'm not being the best mom today and everyday. It's exhausting and demoralizing. I'm trying to stop the thought chain and focus on being a good mom. A good mom loves, plays and cares for; a good mom takes breaks, says she's feeling frustrated and let's the kiddos safely play on their own, including watching TV (I still really struggle with that last one and the guilt that comes with it).
I want the absolute best for my girls, and I often feel like I am not that. But, then, I see them be loving to others, laughing, exploring and feel I, along with many others, must be doing something right.
Sigh. It's so turbulent in my chest, such a big battle waging. A seemingly futile battle that I need to just walk away from and find the joy and peace waiting for me.
This I think is what the universe is sending me. This time is my own personal purgatory. How I handle this time will either send me to a better place or a worse place. The hardest thing to accept is that the choice is mine. Much is outside of my control but not this.
Growing up, my mom always told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. Being the perfectionist I am, I thought, well, I should put my mind to being the best, most perfect. I thought I should look like a super model, be valedictorian, etc - if not, then why even bother.
Today's loop has focused on being the best mom. More accurately, on how I'm not being the best mom today and everyday. It's exhausting and demoralizing. I'm trying to stop the thought chain and focus on being a good mom. A good mom loves, plays and cares for; a good mom takes breaks, says she's feeling frustrated and let's the kiddos safely play on their own, including watching TV (I still really struggle with that last one and the guilt that comes with it).
I want the absolute best for my girls, and I often feel like I am not that. But, then, I see them be loving to others, laughing, exploring and feel I, along with many others, must be doing something right.
Sigh. It's so turbulent in my chest, such a big battle waging. A seemingly futile battle that I need to just walk away from and find the joy and peace waiting for me.
This I think is what the universe is sending me. This time is my own personal purgatory. How I handle this time will either send me to a better place or a worse place. The hardest thing to accept is that the choice is mine. Much is outside of my control but not this.
