Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Yo my gosh

From Free Will Astrology for Taurus:

I know how you're feeling, Taurus. I've done time in the same psychic prison you're trapped in. Because of my exemplary behavior while incarcerated, luckily, I was freed well in advance of my scheduled release date. Would you like to know what I did to win my early release? Four things: (1) I took responsibility for the ways I had perpetuated my own suffering. (2) I practiced feeling grateful for the lessons my pain had taught me. (3) I thought deeply about the actions I could take to atone for how I had hurt other people. (4) I vowed to use the shame I felt as a motivation to become smarter and kinder and wilder.

Seriously, if I didn't know better, I would swear Mr. Free Will was stalking me. This is so spot on the nose. I have been spending my free time trying to figure some of my sh*t out. I carry a lot, no I mean A LOT, of psychic baggage with me everyday, every where. Time to let it go. I really struggle with forgiveness. Martha Beck (wonderful, wonderful Martha Beck) wrote in her book, Leaving the Saints, that forgiveness means "is giving up all hope of having had a different past." Hooo -- does that ever describe me and my psychic pain.

I have been stuck at age 10 for the past 19 years -- the year my world went topsy turvy. That was the year the my mom...well, how to put it?...lost all control of her anger. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but, for many reasons, I don't think that was an accurate diagnosis. That was the year the emotional and verbal abuse started. Things got bad and stayed bad for the next four years. During that time, I lost the one person in this world that I truly loved and trusted. My mom had always been there for me and loved me unconditionally, unlike many of my other family members at the time. I was devastated and stopped trusting myself and other people. I stopped opening up. Mentally, imaginatively, I shut down. It's taken a long time to work my way back and I still have a ways to go. And part of my journey involves forgiving and understanding my mom. I don't condone her actions, but I think I may have reached an understanding as to why she did what she did.

And how do I congratulate myself for reaching that understanding? By getting mad at myself for not having understood earlier. Logically, I know this is ridiculous, but emotionally, I feel it. I guess this is why I have a therapy appointment next week.

P.S. After a two week hiatus, I did finally talk to my mom again, on Thanksgiving. She acted like nothing had ever happened, so I did too. Not sure this is the best course long-term, but I'm also not sure forcing her to talk about our issues is the best course either. Ha! Like I could force her to do anything.


Nanimal said...

wow, Bravo - and I love that quoet about giving up hope of having a different past. I think I could incoporate that into my world a bit. I feel as if I hit forgiveness for the most part years ago. Mental illness is a hard one to come to terms with and I find it even harder because it can be lying in your genetic make-up and haunts you in a way - or it haunts me anyway. Good luck, fight the good fight and love the life your living - it really sounds like you have some exploring and discovery to do of you and your new surroundings - an adventure! How fun that could be...

Frema said...

Cora: I was cleaning through my gmail Inbox and noticed that I left you behind in the swap. I'm so sorry! But it's not too late to get in on the cheese. Please let me know if you're still interested.

debi said...

Oh boy, I think I have someone with whom I can relate. I am not happy we both had parents with mental problems but still, I am just starting to peel back the ugly layers."Giving up all hope of having had a different past", you cannot know what that means to me. I will be back.

culotte said...

God, I love therapy so much. Good luck :)