From Free Will Astrology for Taurus:
I know how you're feeling, Taurus. I've done time in the same psychic prison you're trapped in. Because of my exemplary behavior while incarcerated, luckily, I was freed well in advance of my scheduled release date. Would you like to know what I did to win my early release? Four things: (1) I took responsibility for the ways I had perpetuated my own suffering. (2) I practiced feeling grateful for the lessons my pain had taught me. (3) I thought deeply about the actions I could take to atone for how I had hurt other people. (4) I vowed to use the shame I felt as a motivation to become smarter and kinder and wilder.
Seriously, if I didn't know better, I would swear Mr. Free Will was stalking me. This is so spot on the nose. I have been spending my free time trying to figure some of my sh*t out. I carry a lot, no I mean A LOT, of psychic baggage with me everyday, every where. Time to let it go. I really struggle with forgiveness. Martha Beck (wonderful, wonderful Martha Beck) wrote in her book, Leaving the Saints, that forgiveness means "is giving up all hope of having had a different past." Hooo -- does that ever describe me and my psychic pain.
I have been stuck at age 10 for the past 19 years -- the year my world went topsy turvy. That was the year the my mom...well, how to put it?...lost all control of her anger. She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, but, for many reasons, I don't think that was an accurate diagnosis. That was the year the emotional and verbal abuse started. Things got bad and stayed bad for the next four years. During that time, I lost the one person in this world that I truly loved and trusted. My mom had always been there for me and loved me unconditionally, unlike many of my other family members at the time. I was devastated and stopped trusting myself and other people. I stopped opening up. Mentally, imaginatively, I shut down. It's taken a long time to work my way back and I still have a ways to go. And part of my journey involves forgiving and understanding my mom. I don't condone her actions, but I think I may have reached an understanding as to why she did what she did.
And how do I congratulate myself for reaching that understanding? By getting mad at myself for not having understood earlier. Logically, I know this is ridiculous, but emotionally, I feel it. I guess this is why I have a therapy appointment next week.
P.S. After a two week hiatus, I did finally talk to my mom again, on Thanksgiving. She acted like nothing had ever happened, so I did too. Not sure this is the best course long-term, but I'm also not sure forcing her to talk about our issues is the best course either. Ha! Like I could force her to do anything.