Monday, March 05, 2007

Really Deep Thoughts

Though it's been a while since I last posted, I'm resisting doing a catch-up post, letting y'all know what I've been doing since Feb. 20th, mainly because it would consist of - get up, go to work, work like crazy, pick up J, go home and veg with family, go to bed, start all over. One variation to that - J's 31st b-day was on Saturday - happy b-day to my old man.

So, I finally found something to write about that didn't involve the mundane (yet thoroughly enjoyable for me) schedule listed above or reproductive rights and sexual health. Last night I dreamt about a ex-friend (let's call her Q). Q and I ended our friendship last March after almost 14 years of friendship. She was my longest-term friend and my only remaining friend from high school. We had really tried to make this friendship work, mainly long-distance over long distances when I lived in other states and on another Continent. Actually, she tried harder than I did. In the early years of the long-distance, I remember wondering why she was trying so hard. Anyways, last March things kinda came to a head, and we decided to part ways. Well, she said she wanted to take a break, and I said if we took a break, I most likely wouldn't be coming back. And that was that. I didn't think or talk too much about it, mainly because when the break-up occurred, I was very sick and was focused on that. After I was well, I just don't think I was ready to contemplate it. I e-mail her to check-in and she sent a friendly response, but it sounded hollow to me - she sounded like she does when she talks to people she doesn't like but feels she needs to be polite to. And maybe she wasn't - e-mail can be difficult, I know. But I didn't feel like pursuing it.

So, last night I had this dream that she and I were hanging out again and having a good time, better than we'd ever had previously in our relationship. I thought about e-mailing her again and letting her know what was going on with me, but ultimately decided against it. What I realize now is that we're very different people, with different interests and priorities. And, I could not stop judging her and her actions, which I totally hated myself for, especially since I felt I was doing to her exactly what my parents do to me. I just realized that I don't actually miss our friendship. Sure, I still care about her and wish her well - I still think she's an amazing human being. But I don't miss us. I wish there was a way that we could be friends, but after 14 years of trying, I think I need to concede the loss. And I think that's what I struggle with - the giving up. Gosh, I really am as stubborn as my mother and J say I am. Part of me just wants so badly for our friendship to work, while the other side recognizes it's time to let go.

And Q's not the first friendship I've struggled with like this. I have a long history of this, particularly with females. I want so badly to have a BFF (best friend forever) who truly is F. And if I could remove my head from my own a**, I would realize that I have this with J, complete with rings and a certificate and a shared mortgage. Can't get more than a promise of F than that.

I also think I need to learn how to be a friend to myself, which I have no idea how to do. I've always felt that I need to be a disciplinarian to myself, keeping myself in-line and under control. And I think that I extend that to those closest to me - that if I really love and care about them, I will be hard on them and hold them to high standards. At least I don't expect anymore from them than I expect for myself. But I think that's too much.

Anyway, this is starting to ramble, so I'll end here. Thanks for reading.

1 comment:

liv said...

i totally get the ending the friendship stuff. i've had to do that a few times and it's tough. a couple of times i have tried again, and it's just not the same. like you have a hard time admitting that i couldn't make it work. but what i have also realized is it is bigger than just me wanting it to work. much to my (sometimes) dismay, i don't control the yer guts. xo.