Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Sad, Mad & Glad

We got about 85% of our stuff moved out to WaWa. I'm now sleeping on real bed (with a box spring, even -- thanks Ms. K) and sitting on a couch, instead of lawn chairs.

So, to celebrate, last night J and I lounged on the couch, sipping cheap-ish wine and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (end of season 2, beginning of season 3). And, of course, I try to have a moment with him during the middle of an episode, and we somehow get on the topic that I have three moods -- sad, mad and glad. But not happy. J said he's never seen me happy. I asked him what the difference was, between glad and happy. He said that when I'm glad, he can tell I haven't forgotten my cares, so I'm not happy. And I think he's right. I'm not sure I can actually let go enough to be happy. Carefree -- that is not a word that describes me. But can I change? Can I learn to open up? Not that I'm blaming her, but I don't think my mother has ever been happy either, at least during our years together. Or my fathers. I don't know if I ever learned to be happy. Does that make sense? Do you learn to be happy? Or is it something that just happens? Can I change so my children have two parents that experience happiness?

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