Bummer?

I got the word today that my job would prefer to have an in-house grant writer, rather than a long distance one (i.e., me). I had expected this response, but I still was hopeful. I'm sad. I really love the place that I work (and if you've ever read dooce, you'll know why I'm not naming it). The work that they do is amazing and innovative and thoughtful. And I love the people I work with -- such an eclectic, open, fun bunch of folk. I will truly miss them. This is the best place I have ever worked.

What I will not miss is the work itself. I feel a bit like a hamster running on its wheel -- working and working, never really getting anywhere. Yes, I'm successful at getting funding, but the need is never ending. I've worked as a grant writer the past four years and am getting a bit burned out. So, this could be a blessing, a way to bow out gracefully. My boss wants to keep things open ended in case we change our minds. She's right, we've never lived in a small town so far from a metropolitan center, but I like to think it would take more than a couple months to determine whether or not we liked it there. Shit, we lived in Chicago for two years and we knew we didn't like it before we ever moved there. I was polite to her, and she doesn't really know me, but give us a little credit -- we've thought about this.

Peoples' reactions to the move has been interesting, swinging from very supportive (thank you, Ms. H) to the excited to the skeptical to the insulting. Normally, peoples' doubts would really make me second guess myself but this time not. When making this decision, J and I realized there was no "right" decision -- either choice was a good option. Yeah, with this choice there is a lot of unknown. Maybe I'll hate living in Walla Walla. Maybe I'll miss living in a large metropolitan area. Maybe I'll miss my PDX friends too much. Maybe I'll never find a job as good as the one I have. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But, I'm excited -- it feels like a challenge and I like a challenge. I'm excited to find out what life is like in a small town, one that is not near another city, one that is pretty darn independent and community oriented. And excitement can take you a long way, if you let it, especially past the initial dread and dislike.

Okay, I'm rambling. And I'm frustrated. And I'm tired. And I'm sad. It's time for a treat, I think.