Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Functioning like a girl

So, you might of guessed that I'm a Firefly geek. Well, I've watched it so much that I'm starting to draw wisdom from the show, much like I occasionally draw wisdom from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not to say the wisdom is faulty or any less wise because of the source, but when I explain the source of the wisdom, that's where it falls apart. "So, Spike, a vampire, says to Angel, the vampire with a soul, that he may be love's bitch but he's man enough to admit it." See what I mean?

Okay, well I'm way off track here. I brought it up because one of the characters (River, the crazy girl) said something that I identify with:

I work, I function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away, the sun goes dark and chaos is come again.

I have my good days, I have my not so good days. My good days are tinged with the worry that the bad days will return, that the good days -- how long will they last? Granted, lately, my bad days have not been so bad. But I worry the day will come again when the darkness will run deep and maybe, this time, I won't escape. Sometimes it's tempting to just give in, to succumb to the bad, to become crazy and stop fighting it. There's peace to be found in that option. It seems that life is one long struggle. Can rest be found?

Well, now I'm feeling very mellow-dramatic and the part of my brain that activates once I've made such confessions is saying "Come, come now. You don't really feel that way. You're just overreacting and trying to get attention. Silly girl. Go back in your corner." I guess that's from years of trying to hide what I was feeling, what was going on in my life -- repress. I will resist the urge to delete this post or say anything more demeaning about it.

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