Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Bigger plans

Posted on Post Secret (see link to the right).

Growing up, my mom often told me that she thought I was destined for great things. One reason sited is the near perfect triangle that appears on my left palm -- the doctor who delivered me told her it was a special sign. Another reason is probably that she, disappointed with her own life, had wanted me to do great things and therefore justify her existence.

Up until a few months ago, I did believe I was destined for greatness and was frustrated and worried that I might not be doing the things necessary to achieve that greatness. Now, I don't believe I am. Can't say what changed exactly -- maybe I just realized that there are 5 billion people on this world and knowing how arbitrarily people are assigned greatness. But it depresses me and I struggle with finding purpose in my life. A part of me knows that it's the little, everyday things one does that mean more than the big things, but I guess I miss the idea of having the glory of greatness. I wanted the Noble Peace Prize. I wanted the cover of Time Magazine. I wanted to be a Trivial Pursuit answer. And I wanted my life to be easily justified. I feel it's hard to justify my existence as it currently is if I'm not moving towards something greater. Sure, who knows what tomorrow brings, but I feel in order to live a life less frustrated and anxiety ridden, I need to let this dream of greatness go and make peace with and find acceptance for my existence as I am.

P.S. Realizing as I wrote this post that I was going to share it with others and show some of what I consider to be my darker/hidden parts, is a bit of a rush. I want to hide, yet I want to expose. Exposure does feel better, since hiding requires so much hyper awareness.


Anonymous said...

My housemate is sort of in the middle of breaking up with his girlfriend. There's lots of reasons, but mostly she is unhappy with her life, I think. Keith (my housemate) and I were discussing some of the reasons why she's doing this, and Keith's feeling is that she is reaching for success in her life, but has no clear idea what that success is supposed to be.

So I asked him if he knows what his idea of success is. His reply, "I'm still alive, that's more than I had counted on!"


liv said...

i feel ya sister. sometimes i have these pangs of "but i was supposed to be this by now..." but the reality of it is, i am really happy where i am at. sure, i won't be the answer to a trival pursuit question, but i am often the person my friends and family go to when they need someone to listen and be present - and that is an awesome feeling. i generally feel pretty good about what i am doing in the world and that feels pretty effin successful to me! :)