Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Posted on Post Secret (see link to the right).
Growing up, my mom often told me that she thought I was destined for great things. One reason sited is the near perfect triangle that appears on my left palm -- the doctor who delivered me told her it was a special sign. Another reason is probably that she, disappointed with her own life, had wanted me to do great things and therefore justify her existence.
Up until a few months ago, I did believe I was destined for greatness and was frustrated and worried that I might not be doing the things necessary to achieve that greatness. Now, I don't believe I am. Can't say what changed exactly -- maybe I just realized that there are 5 billion people on this world and knowing how arbitrarily people are assigned greatness. But it depresses me and I struggle with finding purpose in my life. A part of me knows that it's the little, everyday things one does that mean more than the big things, but I guess I miss the idea of having the glory of greatness. I wanted the Noble Peace Prize. I wanted the cover of Time Magazine. I wanted to be a Trivial Pursuit answer. And I wanted my life to be easily justified. I feel it's hard to justify my existence as it currently is if I'm not moving towards something greater. Sure, who knows what tomorrow brings, but I feel in order to live a life less frustrated and anxiety ridden, I need to let this dream of greatness go and make peace with and find acceptance for my existence as I am.
P.S. Realizing as I wrote this post that I was going to share it with others and show some of what I consider to be my darker/hidden parts, is a bit of a rush. I want to hide, yet I want to expose. Exposure does feel better, since hiding requires so much hyper awareness.
at 9:26 AM