Monday, August 07, 2006

don't know...

today has been a very up and down day. maybe it's the heat. maybe it's my job, my marriage, my cats, my friends, my family, my house, my possessions. or me. maybe it's just me. the physical me. the emotional me. maybe. i feel very stuck. i feel like much of what i do, say, feel is done, said, felt because i've done it that way before. i feel like my life is not important. i feel worthless. i feel hot. i feel like each minute is passing too slow. and too fast, that it will all be gone before i can really appreciate it or experience it. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i hate my job. i feel it's my fault. i feel i am jumping from one experience to another, never really learning anything, never really challenging myself. not wanting to be challenged. i feel challenged enough just getting out of bed, just walking down the street. i want to work somewhere where i am good and don't need to do anything better or anything different. of course, i would complain that i felt unchallenged. it all feels so tedious. life feels so tedious. i feel that everything i have say, do, feel has been said, done, felt before. i feel what i work for, strive for is a farce. i help one person not contract hiv and that person gets hit by a bus or is murdered or hates herself. i can't believe anymore that i am here for a reason or that my life has a purpose. if that were true, all 10 billion of us would have a reason a purpose and look at the shape of the world. it's a shit-hole. are things really that different than 2000 years ago? circumstances, geography, yes. motivations, no. it just feels like its not getting any better. that i'm not getting any better. i'm tired of just surviving. i'm tired of striving. i'm tired of caring. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of thinking what if, when, or. the brain hurts. the soul is tired. the body is underused. my emotions stunted and heavy. this is not a good place to be. i've been here before. i keep running from this place and get away but seem to wind back up here. not sure why or what leads me here. maybe the meds. maybe the heat. maybe my stubbornness. i feel i carry so much with me, so much crap. anger, sadness, regret, guilt, what ifs, plans, to-do lists, worries, grief, pain, frustration, jealousies. there is always more to do. when will it be done? i just want, for once, to be done. to sit down and know there is nothing left. of course, that would probably scare the crap out of me if it really happened. but it sounds so nice right now. i feel like i could truly relax then. let go. float. feel peace, calm.

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