Month 2

In the past month, it seems like Aggie has come out of her little baby shell. She's starting to talk - just oohhhs - but they're deliberate oohhhs. And she'll move her mouth, as though mimicking speech. I love our little chats. She smiles when awake. She looks at things. It's awesome.

I also love when she's laying flat on her back on my lap, head dangling over my knees, and I pull her up - the look on her face when I do that, the chubbiness of her cheeks, the arch of her neck. Then I plant a big kiss on her cheek and lay her back down.

The kisses and the chats are what I miss most when I'm away.

My one pet peeve - she's started fighting sleep. At two months old. It's going to be a long childhood. Four hour naps, please come back. Or at least start sleeping through the night.

Unfortunately, my kisses gave Aggie my cold - her first. Mainly, she's congested. Jason really stepped up, taking two days off of work, taking her to the doctor and suctioning her nose like a mo-fo. Her little voice has gotten hoarse, so she gives these really sad, little squeaky cries. She's steadily getting better, poor girl.

I started back to work at the beginning of December - just 3 days a week. When I'm at work, she's goes to a sitter, who's just awesome. She sends me Aggie updates during the day. People have asked if it's hard to be back and the first day it was. I kept wanting to run to the sitter's to give her kisses. But after that, it's not been hard. I really, really appreciate having me time back. I get 40 min. in the car during my commute, all by myself, to do what I want. I get adult interaction with really cool people. I get to do work that is meaningful to me. And I get to be with her more days than I'm at work. All of it makes me a more relaxed mom - I'm not taking the time I do have with her for granted (as much). I think some people doubted that I would want to go back to work, but I always knew I would want to, that I couldn't be me without having a job. I'm really grateful that this is working out and working out so well.

Next week, Aggie has an in-depth hearing test. After she was born, she had three hearing tests and none could get conclusive readings in the left ear. I think she at least has partial hearing in that ear. I'm not too worried. Even if she's partially deaf in that ear, there's so much that can be done finding out now. Plus, it will make it easier to talk about things she shouldn't know about while she's around - just stand on her left side (so just kidding).

I've been focusing more on self-care. I've started seeing an acupuncturist/chiropractor, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist. I'm managing my OCD all right - the lack of sleep and added stress have ramped it up a bit. So, I am going to see about increasing my medication to help with managing it.

While I was pregnant, I had so many people in my life tell me how excited they were about the baby. And now that she's here, none of them will baby-sit or change a diaper. Just kidding. Now that she's here, they are even more excited and full of love for her. It's like she has a fan club. And I love that. And appreciate it more than I can ever express. For her to have love from so many different sources is just amazing and will make her life blessed. Thank you.

Favorite pic of the month (thanks, Aunty Heather):

In Memorial: Rachel

Last night, we put Rachel to sleep. She stopped eating a week ago, though it took us a few days to realize that she was in fact not eating and not just being finicky. We realized it Thursday afternoon and our Vet is closed Fridays and the weekend. By Monday, she was barely conscious and her temp had dropped. The Vet tried on Monday to rehydrate her and raise her temp. He called us Tuesday to let us know that her kidneys had failed and that he recommended we put her to sleep. She went quickly and surrounded by love. We even got to hold her before she died - the only time we actually got to hold her in our 5 1/2 years together. It was a really nice way to spend our last moments together, almost as if she wanted to give us a gift. We buried her in the yard next to Paul with her laser pointer and a fresh catnip toy, then poured the rest of the half-and-half over her.

This picture, I feel, really captures the essence of Rachel. She was loving but also vindictive and a bit of a b*tch (in case you can't tell, she's deliberately planted her anus on the mouse). She had a rough exterior that hid a heart of gold. It took her many years to warm up to us. She really warmed up after Paul died, which was surprising to me - instead of becoming a recluse, she reached out to us for love and affection. Though I think not having Paul here once she became sick is what really did her in. We tried to cuddle with her, but we just never sat still enough for long enough. And I think she just really missed him.

Like with Paul, there's now a Rachel sized hole missing from our lives. The house feels very empty today.

Jason pointed out last night that her passing is an end of an era - the Paul & Rachel era. We adopted them 5 1/2 years ago - our first pets together. We went through so much - moving several times, getting new pets, then the baby. They taught us a lot. Me, specifically, they taught a lot about unconditional love - how to love someone as they are, not who we'd like them to be. They also helped me stop and take a moment to share love. And they gave me a glimpse of what it will be like to be a parent of a teenager.

I am grateful for the time we had together and the life we shared.

Month 1

I'm going to try to get this written while Aggie is giving me a moment of freedom.

Pictures are HERE.

Things are going great - truly. I can't believe she's already a month old - on one hand it seems like we brought her home just yesterday and on the other it seems as though she's been a part of the family forever. I think everyone has adapted nicely to her arrival - the pets pretty much ignore her and Jason and I have fallen into a good routine. While she was pretty mellow the first couple of weeks of her life, once her grandparents left town, she got grumpy. Not all the time - generally if I hold her, she calms down. Having gas seems to be at the root of her grumpiness. I'm trying to cut out dairy and we're going to try a different formula to see if that can make her gas easier for her to pass (we're doing a breast feeding/bottle combo).

What else? She travels awesome in the car - just falls right asleep, just like me. She and Bella sit in the back together - very cute. She also likes riding around in the Baby Bjorn, which is especially great, because I can strap her in and then putter around the house or go for a walk.

Many have asked how Motherhood is going but to be honest, I don't really feel like a mom yet - I feel like a very special caretaker. I equate motherhood with having to impart wisdom and guidance - right now, I just change diapers and outfits, feed and sing to her. But I enjoy doing those things, except when she's screaming at me. We have had talks about the screaming - I tell her she can be as loud as she wants, but she shouldn't scream or yell at me when she's upset. So, maybe I am mothering.

Things I miss from my old life - being able to go to the bathroom and shower when I wanted, and to run a quick errand. Let me tell you - if you're pregnant or thinking of becoming so, run all the errands you can! Once the baby's here, you have to pack the diaper bag, feed, change and put the baby in the car seat/stroller/carrier before heading out, which can take an hour plus. It can be worth it just to get out of the house, though.

My favorite things - when she falls asleep on my chest; her smiles (which mainly happen when she's asleep); kissing her neck; her big blue/brown eyes; when she reaches out for me; when one eye crosses and she looks like Jerry Lewis; when she sticks her tongue out; listening to Jason talk to her; and getting 3+ hours of sleep in a row. Oh, and this genius invention HERE.

Her nicknames: Muffin (Jason calls her that); Punkin (I do that); Fuss Budget (me again); and Aggers (both of us).

Who she's met: her great grandmothers; her paternal grandparents; 2 of her 3 maternal grandparents; her great uncle Carter; the Workmans; the Wests; the Bailey-Osborns; and Jason's co-workers.

My favorite picture:

Birth

There are the factual details of this event and the emotional. The factual I can recite (and will). The emotional - well, I've put off writing this post because of them, thinking I would get them sorted through and then write. But I realize now that that process will be on-going.

So, just the facts, to start:

On Friday, Oct. 9th, I saw my doctor. I was showing very few signs of being ready to go into labor. I was looking for an end date, so my doctor and I scheduled an inducement for Oct. 14th, just in case. That night, Jason and I went out to a very nice dinner at Saffron and had a great date night and a horrible case of heartburn (well, that was just me). The next morning, nada. So, I figured I had another day of being pregnant.

Around 11 am, we were getting ready for our day, when I stood up and a gush occurred (i.e., water broke). So, we headed to the hospital and got checked in and the contractions started. Not too bad at first, but they grew steadily more intense - and adding to the discomfort was being stuck in bed, strapped up to monitors for both the baby and I. I was able to get up and walk around a little but that was also uncomfortable. My parents showed up around this time, but both were coming down with a cold, so they hung out in the waiting area, popping in every so often.

After about 3 hours of contractions, I got an epidural. It took another hour to kick in, then everything was great. It was a fantastic epidural - I could still feel my legs and move around (in the bed). Jason and I then spent the next few hours hanging out, watching TV. We found Mexican wrestling and watched that to get us pumped up for pushing.

Around 8 pm, I started feeling some pressure and by 9, the doctor said I could start pushing. My mom and Jason were by my side, supporting my back when I raised up to push and encouraging me. My mom kept holding her breath and she almost passed out at one point. During the pushing, the nurse would hold up a mirror, so I could see my progress - the top of her head. The doctor was taking bets on how much the baby would weigh - she guessed 8 lbs, 6 oz and the others bet lower (I didn't bet). I kept wanting to ask what time it was, but resisted knowing that if I knew, it would make it feel like forever. I decided it would be the longest 15 minutes of my life - in actuality, it was 2 hours. At 11:14 pm, I pushed Agatha all the way out - while the song, Modern Girl by Sleater-Kinney was playing.

I don't remember much right after - I kinda went into an exhaustive haze. They asked if I wanted to hold her, so I did, while Jason cut the umbilical cord (and he didn't pass out! So proud of him!). He says I cried. Then the nurses took her because she was being stubborn and not breathing much, so they gave her some oxygen - I remember I kept asking Jason if she was really all right. Then they cleaned her up and weighed her - 9 lbs, 3.1 oz!!! I guess my pasta and ice cream diet during the final weeks of the pregnancy really paid off. Later, they measured her at she was 21.5 in. long.

I got to hold her again and she was beautiful. I never imagined our baby would be so beautiful.

Time's Up!

Technically, my due date is Thursday, but today, I turn 40 weeks - or something like that. Pregnancy math is hard.

I'm doing all right - nauseated, tired and uncomfortable. I now understand scheduled C-sections and inductions. I saw a doctor yesterday (I say a doctor because he was not my regular doc, who's out of town) and he said they wouldn't let me go past 41 weeks, which is a week from Thursday. Praise the unicorns! My boss is now letting me work from home full-time, bless her. Which is extra awesome because night gowns are the most comfortable thing to wear right now, but not so work appropriate.

I had a few real contractions yesterday - wowza. When I have them, I'm trying to not fear the pain. I accept that in order for this to be over and to have our daughter, there has to be pain and I have to go through it. So, I'm trying to welcome it, in a way.

Congratulations to Sid & Maralea and Sam & Hilleri on their new babies - both born healthy and mamas are doing well. I told Aggie that she did the polite thing in waiting for them to be born first but now she can hurry up and get moving.

Special thanks to my folks who've been providing awesome assistance and support - they've turned into my house cleaners, chauffeurs and errand runners. Greatly appreciated.

Poor Rachel, the cat - she has a bladder infection and decided to alert us to it by peeing all over the baby's room. We did take her to the vet and got her some meds. Last night, she was feeling a bit frisky and jumped up on the wood stove, which had a live fire in it, and burnt her paws. Poor girl - truly a rough day. She's been mainly sleeping today. And, of course, not drinking her antibiotics.