Monday, October 18, 2010

Pregnancy the Second

If you were a reader during my first pregnancy, you might have noticed things are a bit different here, the second time around.  Because it feels like I just went through a pregnancy, this one is lacking the novelty of my first.  I hate saying that because I worry that it sounds like this one isn't special.  But, I just don't feel like blogging about this pregnancy like I did my first and haven't come up with a good alternative.  So, the second child is already getting shafted.

But, I thought I would share some pregnancy similarities and differences that I've found interesting:
  • Cravings - same: sub sandwiches, apple juice, mango smoothies, fig newtons; different: canned beef raviolis, cranberry juice
  • Nausea - same: can't drink hot tea; different: less of it, no puking, high tolerance gag reflex
  • Insomnia - different: started already, only for an hour or so every few nights
  • Hair - different: continuing to fall out
  • Boobs - different: waited 12 weeks to enlarge, now up to a DD (!)
I've also put off blogging about this pregnancy because, as many of you know, this was not a planned pregnancy.  In fact, we had not planned on having any more children.  J was supposed to have gotten a vasectomy (not that I'm blaming him, just emphasizing our sincere intention not to have more children).  And, like many people, thought one time sans protection that, yes, pregnancy was a likelihood, but would not be a reality.  I mean, it took us six months of trying and temperature taking and ovulation tracking to get pregnant with Aggie.  I know, I know - silly us.

When we found out, I was angry.  Yes, angry.  Because this is not what I had planned for my life.  Since I was a teen, I had planned to give birth to one child and adopt the second.  That was the plan and, in my opinion, the "right" thing to do.  I was trying to the right thing!!!  Plus, here I was, already a full-time mom when I didn't want to be.  I was not prepared or all that willing to become a full-time mom to two babies under the age of two.

Jason and I talked about abortion.  But it didn't feel like the right option.  As unprepared as we were for the undertaking of two children, it felt like that was the way to go.  And in the days following, we realized that we subconsciously choose to have a second child.  I found the box of emergency contraception under my sink (duh - work for a reproductive health care provider for three years - think I would've remembered that option).  J didn't get that vasectomy; I didn't get on birth control.  That helped with the processing.

Also, I had been consciously missing pregnancy.  Crazy, I know.  But I really missed the feel of my full belly and also the warmth that radiated my way from others while pregnant.  I even dreamed a couple times about being pregnant again.

Because of this, it's very important to me that the child not be told it was an "accident."  We knew what we were doing, just not consciously.  So, perhaps the child isn't planned but it was not an accident - we like to think of it as a bonus.  We hit the jackpot with Aggie and now we're entering the bonus round. 

With that said, half the time I forget I'm pregnant.  I'm not really showing and my symptoms are much milder this time around.  And I have a one year old to focus on (who is sick again, btw).  We pretty much have everything we need for the little one - really, we just need a name and some infant diapers and we are good to go.  I figure as we get closer to the due date, the excitement for baby 2 will grow.  Right now, when I think about having two kids, all I can picture is them both screaming their heads off at me, exhausted and alone.

So, that's why I haven't blogged - this is not the rosy picture of pregnancy that is so often painted by others and by me during my first one.  And I feel really bad about that.  This is a wanted a child.  It's just the circumstances are so different and I feel guilty.  I know that if I keep focusing on the child being short changed then the child will be; I need to focus on loving it.  I'm just having a hard time keeping focused.


heathre said...

I'm excited to meet bonus baby D2. He/she is going to be so lucky to have two awesome parents and a fabulous big sister. Not sugar coating it, there will be challenges but you and J will meet them. xo

Anonymous said...

I agree totally with Heather. I too can't wait to meet the 4th addition to Team Davidson. I applaud you for being so candid. You are a strong woman, patient mother and I know you will find a balance.
Love ya,

sunnywave said...

xoxox i totally hear you...i think guilt just comes with the mommy territory. not that it makes it right or okay, it just gentle with you! and know that these emotions are natural and it's okay to be frustrated and angry and upset; those feelings don't erase or negate the love or the joy or the miracle in the next moment.