Healed!

Well, almost.  Jason is doing so much better.  He's been sleeping and eating a lot and doesn't seem to be having any lingering affects of the allergy or meds.  Tomorrow we'll see a doctor to follow-up and get final permission to go on the cruise.  Then Sunday, it's off to the great North - southern Alaska, actually (Glacier Bay, Sitka, Ketchikan, Juneau, Victoria and Seattle).  

I'm practically healed too, mentally I mean.  I saw my psychiatrist today, and he had me review the symptoms of OCD.  I had 1.5 and you need at least 4 for a diagnosis.  So, I'm healed!  Not really, but I'm greatly improved than when I started back in January.  I'll continue seeing him and taking the meds.  We're working on acknowledging and dealing with natural anger.

And no new shoes for me.  I rediscovered a pair of heels that used to hurt my big toe but no longer do, so I'm going to use those on the cruise and use the shoe money to pay for a hot stone massage instead.  Lovely.

Home again

Jason was discharged from the hospital today.  He's in the next room, sleeping.  He's in really good spirits and feels a lot better.  In fact, he looks like he lay on a beach and just got too much sun.  Tomorrow, we'll schedule more doctors visit, have a physical therapist visit - essentially try to get him ready to leave on our cruise on Sunday.

Having my mom here has been great.  She's been such a help.  J's folks arrived today and, thankfully, are staying in a hotel.

Thanks to all of you who have posted well wishes.  They've really warmed my heart.

And shoes!  I did go with my mom and tried some on.  I'm pondering the purchase of these:

Giving in

Wow.  Who knew visiting someone in a hospital could be so freaking exhausting?  And draining.  J's okay - a little better but still not sleeping.  He's got a lot of anxiety, worrying over his IV, any little pains or changes in his body, making sure the fluid in his body stays centered around his kidneys and liver so it will process out.  He's also worried about dying.  That worry, I think, is the sleep deprivation talking.  Before leaving tonight, I convinced him to take an anti-anxiety med his doctor had suggested.  I'm hoping it will calm him down enough to sleep.  Lord knows he's got enough fatigue to carry him to slumberland, if he would just let it.

It's funny, I've read blogs of those with loved ones in the hospital and always wondered how they could find the time to blog.  Now I understand - you make time to do it.  You gotta clear out some of the stress.  

The giving in part - I called my mom at 10:30 pm and asked her to come.  More than anything, I need a big, big hug.  It's been about a week since I've hugged anyone.  And I want to lay my head in her lap and have her comb through my hair and stroke my eyebrows.  That sounds way more relaxing than any massage.

Most of the time, I feel numb or panicked or tired.

J's parents come Sunday.  I'm not thrilled by the prospect, but it's what he wants and they've agreed to stay in a hotel.  I love them.  They're good peeps.  But right now, I just don't need to add their worry to J's hospital room.  Does that make sense?  But, I'll have my mom, and that should help.

Okay, am I totally horrible that I want to sneak away and buy these sandals from Payless?  New shoes would help all of us, right?

Well, this week officially sucks

Jason was admitted to the hospital today.  According to the ER doc, he's suffering from way more than your average allergic reaction.  Something to do with his skin reacting from the inside and causing damage.  The doc said Jason has something akin to a second degree burn.  He's at the hospital now, receiving intravenous meds and tests are being run to make sure his liver and other inside parts are okay.  And both an opthamologist and a dermatologist will need to see him.  He seemed in better spirits when I left, but he hates needles, so the IV makes him nervous.  And he's exhausted.

Whew.  I am tuckered out too.

And, when I got home, I found one of the fish, Alfie, the Beta, had passed on.  It's the second fish this week - Fanty died on Saturday.  Hopefully, I can find the energy tomorrow to clean out the tank and save the two surviving fish.

I know this week could be a lot worse, and I am grateful for it not being so.  

Glasses!

I finally broke down and got some glasses.  Truthfully, I've wanted glasses all my life, just like I've wanted curly hair.  I'm nearsighted, so I wear them for driving, concert going and any other long distance vision needs.  Jason says from the side, they're very sexy librarian, but from the front their intimidating smarty.  I think they make me look like my friend, Iris.

Aloe

I got a wee bit crabby tonight.  It's been a long day.  Took Jason to the acupuncturist, which helped for about four hours, then stopped helping.  A few hours later we discovered the healing power of aloe.  Glorious aloe.  We decimated our little aloe plant and covered Jason in it.  But, he needed more, so I headed out in search of aloe products.  Safeway had a pathetic selection, so I headed over to Rite Aid, only to arrive 4 minutes past closing.  At that moment, I really, really wanted to yell, "Who do I have to blow to get some f***ing aloe in this town?!?"

Alas, I did not, but returned to Safeway.  And the product I found there just might be working.  I tucked Jason into bed for the first time in two days - he's been sleeping on the bathroom floor so he can easily go between water (the bathtub) and dry land.

I read a wonderful blog, The Crucible of Joy, written by the mother of an adorable baby boy with a very complicated medical condition.  As I was readying Jason for bed, I marveled at her strength.  Here I am, day 4, worn out, frustrated, crabby, and she's had months of much, much worse.  I'm not judging myself or my feelings, just in awe of her.

Exquisite Pain

No, this isn't a post about S&M.  

I was sitting on my steps, feeling the cool night breeze on my bare arms, listening to the crickets, my neighbors' sprinklers, young men saying good night to each other, as they made their way home to make their curfews.

And I was thinking.  Brooding perhaps.  About Jason and my grandma.  Right now, Jason is experiencing some intense discomfort.  A nasty, bright red, terribly itchy rash covers 95% of his body.  And nothing, absolutely nothing is bringing him relief from the itch.  He has been in pain for three days now.  I'm doing the best I can to offer him whatever relief we can think up, taking him to the doctor, feeding him, bringing him medication, reading to him.  But it's not really helping.  The allergic reaction (to a new medication, which he is no longer taking) is stubbornly holding on.  And it hurts so much to see him in so much pain.  And to know that I can't really do anything to effectively help.

My grandmother - she's doing all right.  But there are still issues.  And lots of questions and what ifs about her future.  And trying to figure out how to honor her wishes while also keeping her safe and comfortable.  

So, I was sitting on my steps, feeling a bit sorry for myself, to be honest.  Sorry that I was feeling pain and stress about these two people I love so much.  And then it dawned on me - that I wouldn't feel this pain and stress if I didn't love these two people so much.  That this pain and stress comes from a place a love.  And I let myself feel that love, sat there and focused on the love instead of the pain.  And I felt better, lighter.  And I surveyed my surroundings and remembered how much I love where I live, who I live with.  And felt fortunate to have those, as well as a job that understands my current situation and is willing to work with me.  That I love my work deeply and feel so grateful to have it.

Really, this post is about love and gratitude.  And ands - lots of ands that I am too tired to edit out.

On a sillier, lighter note, here are some photos from our recent vacation with my dear friend, Iris.  I didn't take a one of these photos - no, I was in the car, asleep.  I slept a lot on that trip, worn out from work and knocked out by my allergies, which hit me like a mac truck when I entered the Portland area (but thankfully, didn't stick around).

4 Things

Stolen from the lovely Hilleri

4 jobs I have had in my life:

1. Grant Writer
2. Receptionist
3. Telephone Fundraiser
4. Intern

4 movies I watch over and over:

1. Amelie
2. Serenity
3. Princess Bride
4. White Christmas

4 places I have lived:

1. Portland (of the OR, not the ME)
2. Chicago
3. Hamburg, Germany
4. Anchorage, Alaska

4 TV Shows that I watch:

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
2. Angel
3. Firefly
4. The Adventures of Pete & Pete

4 places I have been:

1. Paris
2. Australia
3. St. Croix, Virgin Islands
4. Billings, Montana (most recently)

4 of my favorite foods:

1. Sushi
2. Soy Mac & Cheese
3. Haribo Gummy Bears
4. White Cheddar Popcorn

4 places I would rather be right now:

1. Paris!
2. Buck Island, Caribbean
3. In a Yurt, on the Oregon coast
4. Spooning Jason (he is too itchy to hold right now)

4 things I am looking forward to this year:

1. Sid & Maralea's wedding!
2. More of Trio Vintners 2006 Zinfandel
3. Visiting H&M in DC
4. Electing a new president