So. I realized that I haven't written anything very personal lately. And I realized that I've been avoiding doing so, telling myself that 'gosh, nothing much is going on in my life, I've just got nothing to say.' The truth is, I have a lot to say, I just keep stumbling over the words. I worry too much about expressing myself properly and clearly. I worry too much period.
There has been a lot going on in my life - there always is. There is something big looming, but I'll be a tease and just say that I don't want to talk about it yet but, fingers crossed, I can do so soon. And no, I am not with child - I'll nip that train of thought right in the bud (how's that for a mixed metaphor).
The big topic on my mind tonight is friends. And since I can't summarize my thoughts well on friends, I'll just tip the brimming cup over (alas, more metaphors). I wish I had more, friends that is, not cups. I don't feel I'm a very good friend (and no, I'm honestly not looking for sympathy and cries of 'but Cora, you're a fantastic friend!'). I'm jealous of the good friends of my good friends - I want them all to myself, even though I realize that would make them not be the friend I love - I still irrationally want their undivided attention. I don't feel I ever learned how to be a good friend - never had good friend role models, but learned to be excellent at developing co-dependent relationships. It hurts to open up and be vulnerable. And I'm afraid if I do open up, I'll sound like one of those people who tell you their whole messy life story when you've simply asked how their day is going. I worry about making new friends and being disloyal to my existing friends. I feel I just don't know how this friendship thing works.
I did buy a book - my solution to any problem, read a book! But seriously, it's SARK's new book, Fabulous Friendship Festival: Loving Wildly, Learning Deeply, Living Fully with Our Friends. I haven't read it yet. So, until then, I have a question for you, dear reader - how do you define a friend? What makes some friends better friends than other friends? And, if we are friends, how would you describe our friendship and what is one thing you would change about it?
That's quite a lot to ask I know, and I'm resisting taking it back and saying, 'oh, don't worry about it, you don't have to answer them.' Well, you don't have to answer those questions but I sure would appreciate it. Thanks.