Bigger plans

Posted on Post Secret (see link to the right).

Growing up, my mom often told me that she thought I was destined for great things. One reason sited is the near perfect triangle that appears on my left palm -- the doctor who delivered me told her it was a special sign. Another reason is probably that she, disappointed with her own life, had wanted me to do great things and therefore justify her existence.

Up until a few months ago, I did believe I was destined for greatness and was frustrated and worried that I might not be doing the things necessary to achieve that greatness. Now, I don't believe I am. Can't say what changed exactly -- maybe I just realized that there are 5 billion people on this world and knowing how arbitrarily people are assigned greatness. But it depresses me and I struggle with finding purpose in my life. A part of me knows that it's the little, everyday things one does that mean more than the big things, but I guess I miss the idea of having the glory of greatness. I wanted the Noble Peace Prize. I wanted the cover of Time Magazine. I wanted to be a Trivial Pursuit answer. And I wanted my life to be easily justified. I feel it's hard to justify my existence as it currently is if I'm not moving towards something greater. Sure, who knows what tomorrow brings, but I feel in order to live a life less frustrated and anxiety ridden, I need to let this dream of greatness go and make peace with and find acceptance for my existence as I am.

P.S. Realizing as I wrote this post that I was going to share it with others and show some of what I consider to be my darker/hidden parts, is a bit of a rush. I want to hide, yet I want to expose. Exposure does feel better, since hiding requires so much hyper awareness.

Things I've done

Back from vacation, which was wonderfully relaxing, nauseating and anger inducing all at different times. However, it was nice to flee my every day life for a few days and live a different way.

From Anna Dilemna's blog (see link on the right) -- everything I have done is highlighted:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins (I wish!)
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (I did climb the Eiffel Tower)
17. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg (a glacier for me)
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than I could afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as I possibly could
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about my life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for my computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer then I was actually in love with the person
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized my CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love with someone and not had my heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than six hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo (two)
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Received flowers for no reason (thanks J)
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand (how I lost my virginity)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one of my parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named my own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when I knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an illness that I shouldn't have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of mine below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had my picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something I care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who I missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all my school reunions (so far)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written my own computer language
141. Thought to myself that I'm living my dream
142. Had to put someone my love into hospice care
143. Built my own PC from parts
144. Sold my own artwork to someone who didn't know me
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed my hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved my head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

I have also skinny dipped in the Sea of Crete (Greece) under the light of a full moon, heard the Dalai Lama speak, flown first class to Europe, visited several concetration camps, delivered a class presentation entirely in German to a German audience, walked in a gay pride parade and performed a cello solo for an audience.

o-c

so, i've had this blog live to my select group for about 20 minutes now, and i'm already obsessed with posting. i just have too much to say! oh, but now i've forgotten what i was going to type.

oh! now i remember. i was going to out myself. to the right, you will notice a lovely list of links, links to web sites that i love and visit fairly regularly. but i have left off three because i didn't want you all to think badly of me. but in the interest of sharing my true self with all of you, here it goes. i visit these three sites at least once a day:

• www.people.com -- the #1 celebrity site on the internet (only the best for me!)
• www.usmagazine.com -- check out an amazine photo of hulk hogan here: http://www.usmagazine.com/blog/2006/08/21/hulk-hogan%e2%80%99s-epidermis-bordering-on-purple/)
• www.laineygossip.com -- she's canadian and chinese, so by reading her gossip, i'm also celebrating diversity and the international perspective. right?

but no, i will not be adding them to my list of links. this post will get buried and all forgotten and sins forgiven! okay, i'm signing off now, 'cause i'm getting a little too into this stream of consciousness. plus, i have a work meeting to go to. what? me work?

whoa.

just read through my old posts. some of them are very personal. eek! so weird, now knowing someone else might be reading them. but i have resisted taking them down. go, cora!

some of the posts are also very navel gazing and high school psychology. blush.

on my library hold list

they only let you put 15 items on hold. dummy heads.

• Don't let your emotions run your life : how dialectical behavior therapy can put you in control by Scott E. Spradlin
• Ten lessons to transform your marriage : America's love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship by John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan DeClaire
• Secret daughter : a mixed-race daughter and the mother who gave her away by June Cross
• A year in the world : journeys of a passionate traveller by Frances Mayes
• Iran awakening : a memoir of revolution and hope by Shirin Ebadi with Azadeh Moaveni
• The Adventuress by Audrey Niffenegger (soon to be published)
• Stiff : the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• I need your love-- is that true? : how to stop seeking love, approval, and appreciation and start finding them instead by Byron Katie, written with Michael Katz
• Liars and saints : a novel by Maile Meloy
• La perdida by Jessica Abel (not Jessica Alba the actress)
• Saving fish from drowning by Amy Tan
• The prize winner of Defiance, Ohio : how my mother raised 10 kids on 25 words or less by Terry Ryan
• Radio on : a listener's diary by Sarah Vowell
• The bitch in the house : 26 women tell the truth about sex, solitude, work, motherhood, and marriage edited by Cathi Hanauer
• The Four agreements companion book : using the four agreements to master the dream of your life by Don Miguel Ruiz, with Janet Mills

Currently reading: Comfort me with apples by Ruth Reichl

how i feel most days

the title is "holding breath."
how apropos (or however you spell that).

don't know...

today has been a very up and down day. maybe it's the heat. maybe it's my job, my marriage, my cats, my friends, my family, my house, my possessions. or me. maybe it's just me. the physical me. the emotional me. maybe. i feel very stuck. i feel like much of what i do, say, feel is done, said, felt because i've done it that way before. i feel like my life is not important. i feel worthless. i feel hot. i feel like each minute is passing too slow. and too fast, that it will all be gone before i can really appreciate it or experience it. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i hate my job. i feel it's my fault. i feel i am jumping from one experience to another, never really learning anything, never really challenging myself. not wanting to be challenged. i feel challenged enough just getting out of bed, just walking down the street. i want to work somewhere where i am good and don't need to do anything better or anything different. of course, i would complain that i felt unchallenged. it all feels so tedious. life feels so tedious. i feel that everything i have say, do, feel has been said, done, felt before. i feel what i work for, strive for is a farce. i help one person not contract hiv and that person gets hit by a bus or is murdered or hates herself. i can't believe anymore that i am here for a reason or that my life has a purpose. if that were true, all 10 billion of us would have a reason a purpose and look at the shape of the world. it's a shit-hole. are things really that different than 2000 years ago? circumstances, geography, yes. motivations, no. it just feels like its not getting any better. that i'm not getting any better. i'm tired of just surviving. i'm tired of striving. i'm tired of caring. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of thinking what if, when, or. the brain hurts. the soul is tired. the body is underused. my emotions stunted and heavy. this is not a good place to be. i've been here before. i keep running from this place and get away but seem to wind back up here. not sure why or what leads me here. maybe the meds. maybe the heat. maybe my stubbornness. i feel i carry so much with me, so much crap. anger, sadness, regret, guilt, what ifs, plans, to-do lists, worries, grief, pain, frustration, jealousies. there is always more to do. when will it be done? i just want, for once, to be done. to sit down and know there is nothing left. of course, that would probably scare the crap out of me if it really happened. but it sounds so nice right now. i feel like i could truly relax then. let go. float. feel peace, calm.