Pics of quilt

In record time!  In case you didn't see them on Facebook...

Waiting...

Thanks to you who share your advice on tantrums and food throwing.  Very helpful.  We now have Aggie using a booster chair at the table and throwing instances have gone way down.  Now, who cares to explain why she goes down so easily for naps, but is utterly resistant to bed time?

We've had several requests for updates on Amelia - and we have none.  Still waiting.  I'm starting to feel more tired and regularly nauseated, with occasional Braxton Hick contractions, but that's it.  Still have a week until the due date.  My mom and I both think she'll come before then.

Speaking of my mom, she finished the quilt for Amelia and it's gorgeous!  I'll post pics sometime, eventually.

It's still wonderful having her here.  And she and Ags are thick as thieves.  So, emotionally, I'm doing a lot better, but I remind myself that this doesn't mean I'm over my depression.  She'll leave in a month and I need to be prepared for that.  I see my psychiatrist again on Wednesday and we have regular appointments scheduled.

Also...I've been reluctant to mention this (I'll get to why)...Aggie is going back to daycare full-time starting in April.  The main reason is because her daycare requested it.  It's their busy season and it's easier for them to schedule staffing if all kids are full-time.  And we want her to keep her spot there because I might get a job (*fingers crossed for one I applied for recently*).  And I know I can't handle Aggie and baby full-time. And I'm relieved Aggie, essentially, "has" to go full-time.  And I feel guilty (and apparently must compulsively use the word "and").  I know that daycare is flexible - I don't have to drop her off everyday or have her stay there a full day.  I just wish I could get the knack of this FTP gig. I think I've mentioned this before - I'm not used to not getting the hang of things or being good at something.  If I'm not good at it, I generally give-up.  In a conversation with my mom, I did acknowledge that I could give-up on parenting, I could, but I don't want to and that's important.  Obviously, I still have some issues to work out.  Thank goodness for health care covered therapy appointments.

Love to all of you.

Tantrums

Aggie woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.  Grump-a-lump.  It was all fine and good to talk about being understanding of her tantrums when she wasn't having any.  I'm trying to look at them as an exercise of my patience muscle.  No, they tantrums aren't about me - she's expressing herself, blah, blah - but I would like to deal with them as calmly as possible since I imagine there will be a lot of them.

Still there is one thing she does that just drives me up a wall - throwing her food, bowl, utensil, cup on the floor from her high chair.  She's been doing it for ages now but it still just gets my hackles up.  The main irritant is that she knows she's not supposed to do it, but does it anyway.  Me getting mad and showing her my displeasure isn't changing her behavior, but I am just drawing on a blank on how else to respond.  I'm baffled on what she's trying to tell me with such behavior.  Should I just ignore it?  Should I laugh?  Should I throw the food back at her?

Owning

I had a second visit with my psychiatrist last week and it was really good.  I forget just how well he and I work together.  We talked mainly about my mothering issues, meaning that I, at times, seek mothering from Aggie.  Which is, obviously, not appropriate or what I really need.  And I realized that I've sought it from other people in my life, which has led to creating, causing and compounding problems in our relationships.  So, I'm working on owning this.

Speaking of mothering, my mom arrived on Wednesday and it's been marvelous!  Not only is she super helpful, but it's great to have the company.  In addition to cleaning, cooking and childcare, she's made a blanket for each girl, and we're going to make a quilt for Amelia.  She and Ags get along great, though Aggie is teething and/or sick and has been a bit grumpy.  But also sweet.  She tries to pat us, like love pats - unfortunately, she often tries to give them to our faces and her control over her strength isn't great, so it feels more like hitting.  She's also talking more and will wander around saying "bay-bee" (baby), "bah" (ball), and "gago" (gato, Spanish for cat).  She can also say "apple" and "agua" (Spanish for water).

I'm feeling pretty good, though often, when Amelia moves around, it is uncomfortable.  I've been sleeping better, except for last night - I've been up since 3 am.  We're just waiting and it's hard waiting for things you want.

So...

After a suggestion from Jason, I went to see my psychiatrist last week.  And, the doctor and I both agreed, I'm depressed.

Yeah.

It was a good session.  We pinpointed one issue is that I feel I have too many things I don't want to be doing.  

Another is that, thanks to my daytime napping, I don't sleep well at night; therefore, I feel tired and low energy all the time. Not 100% convinced with this one, since I am 36 weeks pregnant, but I am attempting no napping and getting up at the same time everyday.

We set-up future appointments.  I do feel better since that first visit.  I've been focusing, during my "free" time, on things I want to be doing, not that I feel I have to do.  And Ags and I have been having fun together.  And Jason and I too.  And, my mom arrives next week, so more helping hands.

Although we may have determined that I am down, things are looking up.

Irksome

There is a new animated film coming out, entitled "Mars Needs Moms."  And I am irked.  Mars doesn't need moms - it needs parents.  I hate, hate, hate that fathers are still being left out (this is one of just many examples).  Last week or so, I was listening to a debate about women fighting in combat zones and how one of the arguments against it was how could we send mothers into harms way like that?  Granted, it was on NPR, so no one was giving that argument much credence, but I know many others do.  I was really tempted to call-in (alas, I was driving) and say how devastated my daughter would be if she lost her Papa, just as much as if she lost her Mama.  Or if she lost anyone close to her.  So, if the concern truly is about the child's welfare (which it isn't, but let's pretend), then we should only send unloved, unattached people into combat.

And not only does this argument dismiss the important roles many fathers play in their kids' lives, but also continues to let men off the hook.  That because you have a penis and did not give birth to the child, you are not as important and therefore don't need to worry about being an important part of that child's life.

The argument is also very hetero-centric, since some kids have two moms or two dads.  In the latter instance, how do you decide which dad or which mom to send into combat.  Granted, those making this argument probably wouldn't want to see either, since they're likely also anti-gay in addition to being misogynistic.


It also doesn't acknowledge all the military single parents.  

Grrrr.....

Still Here

Everything's good here.  I've just been focused. On here. And now.  It's been great.  We've made some great headway through the Before-Baby-Arrives-To-Do-List.  I had two wonderful trips to Portland to visit with friends and my Grandma.  I'm feeling good.  And tired.

I've also had my grumpy moments.  And moments of despair.  I'll be seeing my psychiatrist this week to help me derail the negative thought swirls I get into. 

Aggie has mastered walking.  Just a week ago, she'd only toddle a few steps by herself.  Now, she's a walking fool.  I am so very proud of her.  And very grateful.  And even more grateful she hasn't started running.

I feel content.  Gratified.