As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about your responses and my responses to both what you said and what I said.
I'm doing better. One reason is that Baby Girl started back at day care this week - two days a week, 8 am to 4 pm. Meaning, I get two whole days a week to myself. Is it right to be this giddy? I was so joyful dropping her off this morning. And so was she - she was so excited to see her beloved teachers and friends. I feel this new arrangement is awesome - not only do I get time to myself, but knowing this time is there waiting for me helps me get through the screaming fits, the multiple middle of the night trips to her crib, and to appreciate the fun time we do have together.
On Facebook, a high school friend of mine shared this quote from Battlestar Gallactica (the recent series): "Listen, you may feel like hell. But, sometimes, lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one." Reading that helped a whole lot.
And on the drive to day care this morning, I realized something - in the past, I have really enjoyed supporting others to succeed at something they love or thought they couldn't do. Over the past few years, I have received a lot of support from Jason to do what I love and thought I couldn't do, mainly in my career. He's been amazing. A couple of weeks ago, he got a big promotion and is now a supervisor for the first time. He's trying really, really hard - and I'm so proud. Now is my time to support him. And to support Baby Girl and Baby D 2. It's time for me to support my family and help them do what they love and think they cannot do.
For most of my adult life, I have declared often, perhaps at times loudly, that I would not be a stay-at-home mom or a homemaker wife. And, like so many other times in my past, that which I have so strongly protested has come to pass (the same holds true for Baby D 2). It seems that which I resist the most is what I bring in to my life, probably because I'm focusing on NOT having it in my life, instead of focusing on what I want in my life. But the experiences always teach me valuable lessons and help me really grow as a person. It's likely that those experiences are what I'm most afraid of and what I need to face.
My fear is that being a full-time mom and homemaker, I'll lose myself. I'll become some sort of robot ala Stepford Wives (which I've never seen but am guessing is an app simile). Yes, like many fears, is ridiculous and not based on reality. But it's my fear and I need to confront it. I have by setting up a housecleaning schedule and spending this past Sunday cooking and baking. I'm trying to focus on what I do want from these situations and moving from a "I don't want that" frame of mind to a "this is why I want this" frame.
I am getting more excited about BD2. I heard his/her little heart beat last week - that is always such an amazing sound. It was thumping away so strong. Later, I realized that Jason and I get the great gift of learning to love another little person like we love Ms. Ags. And to watch this other person develop and grow and delight in that process, just like with Ms. Ags. And that's exciting.