Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Resistance (it's futile)

So, I was just reading SARK's monthly e-mail, which was about resistance. The message tied in nicely with something I realized last night. After watching Walk the Line, I told Jason that I hoped someday that he and I could love each other as much as Johnny and June, that we hold back for fear that the other will hurt us. He wisely pointed out that there love seemed so passionate and good because it was highlighted by so much bad. But he didn't say anything about the second part of my statement, so I started thinking about where that came from. I realized that I was vocalizing my own fear, but was too afraid to own the statement as my own feeling. I am so afraid that Jason is going to hurt me, leave me, not love me. I'm so afraid that we will break up again and I will have to endure that unspeakable pain that I felt the first time. After we broke up, I couldn't even say it for a week or so, I was numb and in denial. And now, instead of focusing on loving him more and trusting him, I focus more on being okay if he were to leave me. It's not that I think he will do something; I'm more afraid I'll do something and he will choose to leave. I am afraid of being unlovable. Still. I also worry that we both settled.

Last night, I also had my reoccuring sadness that Jason would never love me passionately the way I want to be loved. What intensifies this sadness is that I'm not sure I've ever been loved the way I wanted to be, that I've had to make accomodations for those in my life. My dads have never been very communicative or demonstrative, my mom loved me despite yelling at me and saying hurtful things, my grandmother loved me despite her harshness, my best friend loved me despite doing hurtful things, my boyfriend loved me despite not being able to say it, my husband loves me despite being able to manifest that love in physical or verbal ways. How do I get the love I crave? Do I ask for it? That, so far, hasn't worked with Jason. Do I seek it out? Is it possible? Am I focusing on this to distract myself from something else?

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