'Bout Time

So, as Nan correctly reminded me - it's time for a new post.  I've actually written several posts - all in my head - but that doesn't do you, my dear reader, much good.  Or me, really.

Things, they are going great.  It is heaven having Aggie back in daycare - I say that with just a twinge of guilt.  Yesterday, I actually missed her.  I actually thought about calling daycare to see how she was doing or sneaking down to pick her up early so we could play in the snow before dark.  The latter feelings - that's the first time I've had those.  And I don't miss her often - in the past, when we've been apart, I've been so relieved and grateful.  So, what do I do with myself on my child-free days?  Chores, errands, napping, doctor's appointments, shopping, web surfing.  And I get to do it all at my pace - that's the heaven part.  No trying to cram it in during a nap or getting it done during the span of Aggie's patience.  As a bit of a control freak (ahem) it's been difficult getting used to doing things on another person's schedule; I do it and we're all better for it but the yearning to do it at my own pace, on my own time, has not lessened.  I cannot imagine what it will be like trying to manage with two little dictators.

Speaking of being a control freak, this is my new favorite blog: Things Organized Neatly.  It's like a massage for my brain, all those images of things organized so precisely.  I literally sigh every time I look at one of the photos.

So, now that I have these two blissful days a week, I'm really starting to get the hang of being a full-time homemaker.  I had a job interview last week and I was hesitant.  It sounded like a good job - interesting work and people.  But I'm really digging this being at home thing.  Also, it required long, not 8-5 hours and I knew I'd miss the time with my family.  It was a great feeling.  (P.S. I don't think I got the job since they wanted to make a decision by last Friday and I've heard nary a peep.)

When Aggie is home, I'm working hard on finding fun and interesting things we can do together.  We're down to an hour of TV during the day and I try to make half of that the Spanish language DVDs we watch together.  On Monday, we went out and played in the snow - she loved it.  I dressed her up in her snow suit, plunked her down in the snow, gave her a snowball which she promptly shoved into her mouth and I built a snowman (a Jason snowman, in fact).  We had a great time.  She is starting to skip her afternoon naps, which makes for a long stretch of together time when my body would like to nap, but she makes up for it by taking long morning naps and going to bed early.

I worry that I sound like I don't love my child or like her or really want her around.  None of that is true.  What is true is that every time she smiles or laughs or claps her hands, my heart leaps.  Snuggle time is the best way I can imagine spending my time.  I just have a lot of internal struggles when we're not doing those things and those wipe me out - not her.  And when I lose my patience, I explain that to her and immediately change my behavior.  These are my issues, not hers, and I try not to make them hers to deal with (goodness knows I had to that enough as a kid with my mother).  Plus, I'm preggers, which is another full-time job on top of my already big job.

Speaking of which, BD2 is doing great.  We had the ultrasound last week and it's another girl!  Jason is thrilled.  I keep thinking we're having a boy and have to remind myself that no, it's a boy (see! I mean girl!).  Not that it really matters, I just find it interesting that I keep making that slip up.  I've been feeling her move, which is fun.  Monday, Aggie and I sorted through the infant clothes we kept - we still have so much despite giving away so much!  We are so very fortunate. And that which we did need, my dear friend, Hilleri, has supplied - thank you thank you!

So, that's what's up with me.  Other posts I've mapped out in my head - my chore calendar (yes, I made one and I'm very proud of it), living frugally, going green, marriage and the holidays.  I'll try to get to those.  One thing I would like to do is to start posting every day.  I want to become a better writer and I'd love to become one of those bloggers whose site attracts enough readership to generate income - essentially, I want to get paid for writing about my life and my interests, i.e., being me.  How great would that be?!  But, this blog is not currently doing that, so I gotta ramp it up.  I figure, writing for 15 minutes a day is a good place to start.  Now, I have to get over the hurdle between thinking about it and doing it.

Happy Thanksgiving - my very favorite holiday of the year because I love giving thanks.  And I give thanks for all of you who read my little blog and esp. for those of you who leave comments or send me emails about postings - it means the world to me.  Thank you.

Percolations

Thanks again to all of you who responded to my last few posts.  I really appreciate the support.


As I mentioned, I've been thinking a lot about your responses and my responses to both what you said and what I said.


I'm doing better.  One reason is that Baby Girl started back at day care this week - two days a week, 8 am to 4 pm.  Meaning, I get two whole days a week to myself.  Is it right to be this giddy?  I was so joyful dropping her off this morning.  And so was she - she was so excited to see her beloved teachers and friends.  I feel this new arrangement is awesome - not only do I get time to myself, but knowing this time is there waiting for me helps me get through the screaming fits, the multiple middle of the night trips to her crib, and to appreciate the fun time we do have together.


On Facebook, a high school friend of mine shared this quote from Battlestar Gallactica (the recent series): "Listen, you may feel like hell.  But, sometimes, lost is where you need to be.  Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one."  Reading that helped a whole lot.  

And on the drive to day care this morning, I realized something - in the past, I have really enjoyed supporting others to succeed at something they love or thought they couldn't do.  Over the past few years, I have received a lot of support from Jason to do what I love and thought I couldn't do, mainly in my career. He's been amazing.  A couple of weeks ago, he got a big promotion and is now a supervisor for the first time.  He's trying really, really hard - and I'm so proud.  Now is my time to support him.  And to support Baby Girl and Baby D 2.  It's time for me to support my family and help them do what they love and think they cannot do.

For most of my adult life, I have declared often, perhaps at times loudly, that I would not be a stay-at-home mom or a homemaker wife.  And, like so many other times in my past, that which I have so strongly protested has come to pass (the same holds true for Baby D 2).  It seems that which I resist the most is what I bring in to my life, probably because I'm focusing on NOT having it in my life, instead of focusing on what I want in my life. But the experiences always teach me valuable lessons and help me really grow as a person.  It's likely that those experiences are what I'm most afraid of and what I need to face.

My fear is that being a full-time mom and homemaker, I'll lose myself.  I'll become some sort of robot ala Stepford Wives (which I've never seen but am guessing is an app simile).  Yes, like many fears, is ridiculous and not based on reality.  But it's my fear and I need to confront it.  I have by setting up a housecleaning schedule and spending this past Sunday cooking and baking.  I'm trying to focus on what I do want from these situations and moving from a "I don't want that" frame of mind to a "this is why I want this" frame.

I am getting more excited about BD2.  I heard his/her little heart beat last week - that is always such an amazing sound.  It was thumping away so strong.  Later, I realized that Jason and I get the great gift of learning to love another little person like we love Ms. Ags.  And to watch this other person develop and grow and delight in that process, just like with Ms. Ags.  And that's exciting.