Friday, February 12, 2010

4 months!

Little girl is getting so big!  Well, to Jason and I, anyway.  She can now blow raspberries and will occasionally laugh on her own.  And she can roll over - almost.  She gets to the shoulders and gets stuck.  But so close!  She's started to hold and pick-up things and most go into her mouth.  For some reason, she prefers to suck on fabric rather than plastic.  Well, she prefers to suck on her hands and sometimes makes a suctioning sound, kind of like Paul the cat used to make when cleaning himself (aw, we miss you, buddy).

I'm doing pretty well.  I did decide to increase my medication because the exercises my doctor gave me to help my OCD - well, they're time intensive initially and - yeah - I don't got a whole lot of spare time in my day.  So we upped the meds and they're helping, but I might increase more.  That did mean I had to stop breast-feeding.  Aggie didn't seem to notice, since she was mostly bottle fed by that point, and I didn't really mind.  But I was a little sad to end, seeing as it was something only I could provide for my baby.

So, I had some interesting discussions with myself and others this past month about motherhood and if being a mother intrinsically makes you a better person.  I cannot - and will not - speak for others, but for me, I say no.  I think, eventually, it will make me a better person - the whole experience of caring completely for another person - but just having a child did not miraculously change me.  Every day, I work to be more patient, understanding and compassionate - and to do all this when extremely tired.  And stressed.  Motherhood is stressful, esp. when I read the baby magazines.  I'm stopping that - they provide me with so much to worry about!  I wrote to a friend that I was worried I wasn't helping Aggie's neural pathways develop properly - yes, I actually said that.  Even before she could smack me upside the head, I realized how ridiculous I was being and taking myself way too seriously.

One change I have noticed is my feelings towards other children.  For example, when at the park, I used to notice them and if they were alone, worry a little that they were safe, or if they were with their parents, if there parents were potentially abusing them.  I think I have the same worries, but it feels differently in my chest.  I just want to gather them close and give them kisses and let them know that just as they are, they are loved.  Not sure why this feeling is only reserved for children (up to age 18ish).  Probably just my maternal instincts kicking in.

Favorite picture of the month - we have to get somewhat ridiculous in order to catch her smile on film.  Once the camera comes out, she just stares at it in quiet fascination.


Hilleri said...

Aggie has the sweetest smile!! :)

carmen said...

Motherhood is hard and it does get easier the longer you do it (and you will be more confident). And, your children will teach you more as they get older and can interact more. And, yes, throwing away baby magazines can help!! Loving and paying attention to your child is good parenting. If you ever want to talk let me know, I have been through hills and valleys as a mother and am enjoying it now more than ever.