Exquisite Pain

No, this isn't a post about S&M.  

I was sitting on my steps, feeling the cool night breeze on my bare arms, listening to the crickets, my neighbors' sprinklers, young men saying good night to each other, as they made their way home to make their curfews.

And I was thinking.  Brooding perhaps.  About Jason and my grandma.  Right now, Jason is experiencing some intense discomfort.  A nasty, bright red, terribly itchy rash covers 95% of his body.  And nothing, absolutely nothing is bringing him relief from the itch.  He has been in pain for three days now.  I'm doing the best I can to offer him whatever relief we can think up, taking him to the doctor, feeding him, bringing him medication, reading to him.  But it's not really helping.  The allergic reaction (to a new medication, which he is no longer taking) is stubbornly holding on.  And it hurts so much to see him in so much pain.  And to know that I can't really do anything to effectively help.

My grandmother - she's doing all right.  But there are still issues.  And lots of questions and what ifs about her future.  And trying to figure out how to honor her wishes while also keeping her safe and comfortable.  

So, I was sitting on my steps, feeling a bit sorry for myself, to be honest.  Sorry that I was feeling pain and stress about these two people I love so much.  And then it dawned on me - that I wouldn't feel this pain and stress if I didn't love these two people so much.  That this pain and stress comes from a place a love.  And I let myself feel that love, sat there and focused on the love instead of the pain.  And I felt better, lighter.  And I surveyed my surroundings and remembered how much I love where I live, who I live with.  And felt fortunate to have those, as well as a job that understands my current situation and is willing to work with me.  That I love my work deeply and feel so grateful to have it.

Really, this post is about love and gratitude.  And ands - lots of ands that I am too tired to edit out.

On a sillier, lighter note, here are some photos from our recent vacation with my dear friend, Iris.  I didn't take a one of these photos - no, I was in the car, asleep.  I slept a lot on that trip, worn out from work and knocked out by my allergies, which hit me like a mac truck when I entered the Portland area (but thankfully, didn't stick around).