Bella!

The verdict: to dog! We adopted Bella (full name: Mirabella, formerly known as: Precious, often called: Precious Bella) last Thursday. The first day she was quite nervous with us, but has since warmed up a whole bunch. She sleeps with us every night and has taken to sleeping on J's pillow.




Doesn't she look like a chocolate Easter bunny here?

We took her on a little road trip on Sunday, and she did fabulous in the car and out in nature. She is really only interested in other dogs and humans. We saw some horses and nada -- didn't hide, didn't try to sniff, nothing. Curious.


Bella also doesn't bother the cats -- at all. At first, I thought maybe she couldn't see them, then I realized that was dumb, because she could certainly smell them. Paul is coming around -- he's stopped hissing at her every time she gets remotely near. I think he's a little ticked that she doesn't pay him any attention and gets part of what he considers to be his ration of pets. Rachel just thinks Bella's a spaz and avoids her as much as possible. I feel bad for Rachel -- she's kind of getting ignored in this whole acclimation process.


So, yes, my life now revolves around my pets. After spending 40 minutes this morning taking turns petting each of the kiddos, I told J we needed to have a human pet session.

To dog or not to dog?

I'm thinking about adopting a dog (hence the title of the post). Actually, this dog here, Precious. Isn't she, though? She's a Corgi/Chihuahua mix, 6 years old. Not sure why she's up for adoption. The shelter says she's good with cats. Not sure, though, if my delicate flowers will be good with her. Rachel seems to find dogs curious, but they seem to freak Paul out (what doesn't, though?). J says he is lukewarm to the idea of getting a dog, but that the decision is up to me. And what a tough decision it's turning out to be. I've come to the conclusion that I can't really decide until I meet her, and I don't know yet when that will be.

I'm torn, though -- is it right to bring another member to our family who won't necessarily be welcomed by two members and only kind of welcomed by the third? Not to say that J won't be kind and loving to her, but he did explicitly say that the dog will be 75% my responsibility. I have a lot of what ifs running through my head, all fears that bringing her into the home will put a wedge in our family with she and I on one side and J and the cats on the other. I'm being overly dramatic, I'm sure (as I am known to be), but what if I'm not? Too many what ifs.

I want a dog for many reasons, and I've wanted one for quite a while. I like the idea of playing with her, taking her for walks, snuggling with her, taking her on care rides (she supposedly likes these). I know I will also need to take her out when it's pouring down rain or 20 degrees or I'm sick. And, yeah, that kinda sucks, but I think the bonding between her and I would more than make up for that. It does with the cats. But what if Precious and I don't bond? What if she never really comes around or, instead, bonds with J? Or, what if it's just like I imagine it and we're the best of friends?

What all this talk about adopting a dog has made me realize is that I'm not yet ready for a baby. I'm just getting into my new job and new town, and I'm just not ready for that kind of responsibility yet. I kinda see the dog as a step up in responsibility. And as a being to care for, who needs my care, but isn't so dependant on my care, if you know what I mean.

For the moment, I guess I just wait until I can meet her and get to know her a little. If you have any advice or words of wisdom, please share.

My Star Chart

I've always wanted to have a start chart done, but wasn't willing to pay for it. Thanks to my friend, L, I found a web site that does them for free -- http://alabe.com. If you are interested in reading my chart, enter this data:

Name: Cora
April 30 1977
7:25 AM
Time Zone is MDT
Boise, ID

What struck me after reading this is that I think the chart pretty much describes me, warts and all. As I was reading the report, I thought to myself several times: "True; need to change that." But then I started wondering - if this is who I am, why do I need to change? Can I even change? Or do I just need to be aware and use these to my advantage? A new way of looking at my "faults."

Really Deep Thoughts

Though it's been a while since I last posted, I'm resisting doing a catch-up post, letting y'all know what I've been doing since Feb. 20th, mainly because it would consist of - get up, go to work, work like crazy, pick up J, go home and veg with family, go to bed, start all over. One variation to that - J's 31st b-day was on Saturday - happy b-day to my old man.

So, I finally found something to write about that didn't involve the mundane (yet thoroughly enjoyable for me) schedule listed above or reproductive rights and sexual health. Last night I dreamt about a ex-friend (let's call her Q). Q and I ended our friendship last March after almost 14 years of friendship. She was my longest-term friend and my only remaining friend from high school. We had really tried to make this friendship work, mainly long-distance over long distances when I lived in other states and on another Continent. Actually, she tried harder than I did. In the early years of the long-distance, I remember wondering why she was trying so hard. Anyways, last March things kinda came to a head, and we decided to part ways. Well, she said she wanted to take a break, and I said if we took a break, I most likely wouldn't be coming back. And that was that. I didn't think or talk too much about it, mainly because when the break-up occurred, I was very sick and was focused on that. After I was well, I just don't think I was ready to contemplate it. I e-mail her to check-in and she sent a friendly response, but it sounded hollow to me - she sounded like she does when she talks to people she doesn't like but feels she needs to be polite to. And maybe she wasn't - e-mail can be difficult, I know. But I didn't feel like pursuing it.

So, last night I had this dream that she and I were hanging out again and having a good time, better than we'd ever had previously in our relationship. I thought about e-mailing her again and letting her know what was going on with me, but ultimately decided against it. What I realize now is that we're very different people, with different interests and priorities. And, I could not stop judging her and her actions, which I totally hated myself for, especially since I felt I was doing to her exactly what my parents do to me. I just realized that I don't actually miss our friendship. Sure, I still care about her and wish her well - I still think she's an amazing human being. But I don't miss us. I wish there was a way that we could be friends, but after 14 years of trying, I think I need to concede the loss. And I think that's what I struggle with - the giving up. Gosh, I really am as stubborn as my mother and J say I am. Part of me just wants so badly for our friendship to work, while the other side recognizes it's time to let go.

And Q's not the first friendship I've struggled with like this. I have a long history of this, particularly with females. I want so badly to have a BFF (best friend forever) who truly is F. And if I could remove my head from my own a**, I would realize that I have this with J, complete with rings and a certificate and a shared mortgage. Can't get more than a promise of F than that.

I also think I need to learn how to be a friend to myself, which I have no idea how to do. I've always felt that I need to be a disciplinarian to myself, keeping myself in-line and under control. And I think that I extend that to those closest to me - that if I really love and care about them, I will be hard on them and hold them to high standards. At least I don't expect anymore from them than I expect for myself. But I think that's too much.

Anyway, this is starting to ramble, so I'll end here. Thanks for reading.

Sad, Mad & Glad

We got about 85% of our stuff moved out to WaWa. I'm now sleeping on real bed (with a box spring, even -- thanks Ms. K) and sitting on a couch, instead of lawn chairs.

So, to celebrate, last night J and I lounged on the couch, sipping cheap-ish wine and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (end of season 2, beginning of season 3). And, of course, I try to have a moment with him during the middle of an episode, and we somehow get on the topic that I have three moods -- sad, mad and glad. But not happy. J said he's never seen me happy. I asked him what the difference was, between glad and happy. He said that when I'm glad, he can tell I haven't forgotten my cares, so I'm not happy. And I think he's right. I'm not sure I can actually let go enough to be happy. Carefree -- that is not a word that describes me. But can I change? Can I learn to open up? Not that I'm blaming her, but I don't think my mother has ever been happy either, at least during our years together. Or my fathers. I don't know if I ever learned to be happy. Does that make sense? Do you learn to be happy? Or is it something that just happens? Can I change so my children have two parents that experience happiness?