Though it's been a while since I last posted, I'm resisting doing a catch-up post, letting y'all know what I've been doing since Feb. 20th, mainly because it would consist of - get up, go to work, work like crazy, pick up J, go home and veg with family, go to bed, start all over. One variation to that - J's 31st b-day was on Saturday - happy b-day to my old man.
So, I finally found something to write about that didn't involve the mundane (yet thoroughly enjoyable for me) schedule listed above or reproductive rights and sexual health. Last night I dreamt about a ex-friend (let's call her Q). Q and I ended our friendship last March after almost 14 years of friendship. She was my longest-term friend and my only remaining friend from high school. We had really tried to make this friendship work, mainly long-distance over long distances when I lived in other states and on another Continent. Actually, she tried harder than I did. In the early years of the long-distance, I remember wondering why she was trying so hard. Anyways, last March things kinda came to a head, and we decided to part ways. Well, she said she wanted to take a break, and I said if we took a break, I most likely wouldn't be coming back. And that was that. I didn't think or talk too much about it, mainly because when the break-up occurred, I was very sick and was focused on that. After I was well, I just don't think I was ready to contemplate it. I e-mail her to check-in and she sent a friendly response, but it sounded hollow to me - she sounded like she does when she talks to people she doesn't like but feels she needs to be polite to. And maybe she wasn't - e-mail can be difficult, I know. But I didn't feel like pursuing it.
So, last night I had this dream that she and I were hanging out again and having a good time, better than we'd ever had previously in our relationship. I thought about e-mailing her again and letting her know what was going on with me, but ultimately decided against it. What I realize now is that we're very different people, with different interests and priorities. And, I could not stop judging her and her actions, which I totally hated myself for, especially since I felt I was doing to her exactly what my parents do to me. I just realized that I don't actually miss our friendship. Sure, I still care about her and wish her well - I still think she's an amazing human being. But I don't miss us. I wish there was a way that we could be friends, but after 14 years of trying, I think I need to concede the loss. And I think that's what I struggle with - the giving up. Gosh, I really am as stubborn as my mother and J say I am. Part of me just wants so badly for our friendship to work, while the other side recognizes it's time to let go.
And Q's not the first friendship I've struggled with like this. I have a long history of this, particularly with females. I want so badly to have a BFF (best friend forever) who truly is F. And if I could remove my head from my own a**, I would realize that I have this with J, complete with rings and a certificate and a shared mortgage. Can't get more than a promise of F than that.
I also think I need to learn how to be a friend to myself, which I have no idea how to do. I've always felt that I need to be a disciplinarian to myself, keeping myself in-line and under control. And I think that I extend that to those closest to me - that if I really love and care about them, I will be hard on them and hold them to high standards. At least I don't expect anymore from them than I expect for myself. But I think that's too much.
Anyway, this is starting to ramble, so I'll end here. Thanks for reading.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Sad, Mad & Glad
We got about 85% of our stuff moved out to WaWa. I'm now sleeping on real bed (with a box spring, even -- thanks Ms. K) and sitting on a couch, instead of lawn chairs.
So, to celebrate, last night J and I lounged on the couch, sipping cheap-ish wine and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (end of season 2, beginning of season 3). And, of course, I try to have a moment with him during the middle of an episode, and we somehow get on the topic that I have three moods -- sad, mad and glad. But not happy. J said he's never seen me happy. I asked him what the difference was, between glad and happy. He said that when I'm glad, he can tell I haven't forgotten my cares, so I'm not happy. And I think he's right. I'm not sure I can actually let go enough to be happy. Carefree -- that is not a word that describes me. But can I change? Can I learn to open up? Not that I'm blaming her, but I don't think my mother has ever been happy either, at least during our years together. Or my fathers. I don't know if I ever learned to be happy. Does that make sense? Do you learn to be happy? Or is it something that just happens? Can I change so my children have two parents that experience happiness?
So, to celebrate, last night J and I lounged on the couch, sipping cheap-ish wine and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (end of season 2, beginning of season 3). And, of course, I try to have a moment with him during the middle of an episode, and we somehow get on the topic that I have three moods -- sad, mad and glad. But not happy. J said he's never seen me happy. I asked him what the difference was, between glad and happy. He said that when I'm glad, he can tell I haven't forgotten my cares, so I'm not happy. And I think he's right. I'm not sure I can actually let go enough to be happy. Carefree -- that is not a word that describes me. But can I change? Can I learn to open up? Not that I'm blaming her, but I don't think my mother has ever been happy either, at least during our years together. Or my fathers. I don't know if I ever learned to be happy. Does that make sense? Do you learn to be happy? Or is it something that just happens? Can I change so my children have two parents that experience happiness?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day
Many people think this holiday is a crock, just a commercial holiday to sell chocolates, flowers, etc. While I agree the day is overhyped, I do like it. I like that there is a day set aside to say "I love you" to the people you love. Like with Thanksgiving Day, we should be saying that year round, but I think its good to have a reminder to do so, at least once a year.
So,
Love you!
So,
Love you!
I'm a sucker for these
Sent by my cousin-in-law.
1. WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME? Cora
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My mother's mother
3. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? While watching POV: A Family Undertaking
4. YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Most of the time
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Don't have one
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not of the human kind, but 2 of the feline kind
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure
8. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Is the Pope Catholic?
9. YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
10. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No - not into whip-lash
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Puffins
12. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Some days, yes
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Cheesecake
15. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes
16. RED OR PINK? Red
17. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My snottiness
18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Ms. H
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Tan corduroys and black Danscos
21. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Banana
22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Sounds of co-workers
23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Teal
24. FAVORITE SMELLS? That special boy smell, rain, skunk spray
25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Dad
26. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Don't really know her
28. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football and soccer
29. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown
30. EYE COLOR? Dark brown
31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
32. FAVORITE FOOD? Sushi
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings
34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? My Neighbor Tortoro
35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Linden green
36. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
37. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
38. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake
39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? "Some things are meant to be private. Campaign for Women's Lives, www.bodyprivacy.org"
40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The Adventures of Pete & Pete
41. FAVORITE SOUND? My husband saying my name
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones
43. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Krakow, Poland
44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I have double-jointed fingers and toes
45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Boise, ID
1. WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME? Cora
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My mother's mother
3. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? While watching POV: A Family Undertaking
4. YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Most of the time
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Don't have one
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not of the human kind, but 2 of the feline kind
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure
8. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Is the Pope Catholic?
9. YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
10. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No - not into whip-lash
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Puffins
12. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
13. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Some days, yes
14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Cheesecake
15. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes
16. RED OR PINK? Red
17. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My snottiness
18. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Ms. H
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Tan corduroys and black Danscos
21. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Banana
22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Sounds of co-workers
23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Teal
24. FAVORITE SMELLS? That special boy smell, rain, skunk spray
25. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Dad
26. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Don't really know her
28. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football and soccer
29. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown
30. EYE COLOR? Dark brown
31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
32. FAVORITE FOOD? Sushi
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings
34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? My Neighbor Tortoro
35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Linden green
36. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
37. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
38. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake
39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? "Some things are meant to be private. Campaign for Women's Lives, www.bodyprivacy.org"
40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The Adventures of Pete & Pete
41. FAVORITE SOUND? My husband saying my name
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones
43. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Krakow, Poland
44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I have double-jointed fingers and toes
45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Boise, ID
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Whew!
Gentle readers, since I last posted, my life has undergone a 180-degree change. I have so much to share but have not the time nor the bandwidth (J and I are working on getting Internet at home) to do so. But I have been thinking of you and writing lots of postings in my head. Which, ultimately, does you no good unless I actually post. Okay, I'm feeling weird trying to write directly to my audience, so I'll stop addressing you and get down to brass tacks.
It has been wonderful having my family all together again under one roof. Though, the kitties are back to worshipping at the altar of J and back to eyeing me wearily and occasionally letting me pet them. Where is the love, my fine furry friends? I thought we had bonded. Alas, I guess I just lack the mojo J seems to have in spades.
This coming weekend, J and I are trekking back to P-town to pack up our stuff and move it out to WaWa, which means we can finally: 1) stop sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor; 2) stop sitting in lawn chairs; 3) have more than one spoon; 4) watch TV again; 5) have things for the kitties to hide behind/under; and 6) have people over to visit/stay the night. Yee haw!
My job is going fan-friggin-tastic, but is kicking my butt in a good way (if that is possible). I have tons to learn and even more to accomplish. I really like my co-workers and our office environment. And they gave me a cell phone and PDA. Tres exciting.
But there is one downside to my job: working with 18 to 22 year olds. Not that working with them is bad, per say; in fact, they're quite fun, full of great ideas and passion. No, what is bad is that it reminds me that I am no longer 20. I was fine, excited even, at the prospect of turning 30 (in April, ahem). But after my first meeting with the 20-somethings, I realized that I am no longer 20 (duh) and that, to them, I am old. In my mind, I didn't mind turning 30 because, surely, I still looked and acted younger. Apparently not, but for a good many reasons. A lot has happened in my life in the past 10 years: I graduated from college; got my first "real" job; entered my first long-term relationship; went to graduate school; moved 8 times; got my Master's; got married; bought a house; etc. All things I would not trade to be 20 again. But I realized that during the past decade, I've unknowingly underwent a slow right of passage into adulthood, trading certain freedoms for others. And it's good I didn't know because it would've made this almost inevitable process harder. At the same time, though, I do need to grieve a little this passing, and to reflect on the state of my "adult" life and where it and I am headed.
Another interesting thing I have been kind of pondering (and I may have already written about this -- if I have, I do apologize that I'm too lazy to go back and check) is my vegetarianism. You see, technically, I live in College Place, not WaWa, a town dominated by Seventh Day Adventists and home to Walla Walla College, an Adventist institution. One tenet of Adventism is being a vegetarian. So, something that has been more counter culture in the other places where I have lived is now considered a religious thing, both by Adventists and non alike. When I tell people I'm vegetarian, I often get asked if I'm Adventist, which isn't bad or a problem, just kind of weird. On the plus side, all the grocery stores have an enormous vegetarian selection, particularly of fake meat in a can. Yes, you read that correctly. I've tried the fake duck in a can, and it's quite delicious, if I do say so. And the fake meat is often sold in bulk size (thanks to those large Adventist families), so J and I can stock up and survive the Apocalypse as vegetarians. Hallelujah.
I think this is my longest post to date. I starve you for weeks without posts, then dump a humdinger in your lap. Such is the life of Cora's blog readers, I guess.
It has been wonderful having my family all together again under one roof. Though, the kitties are back to worshipping at the altar of J and back to eyeing me wearily and occasionally letting me pet them. Where is the love, my fine furry friends? I thought we had bonded. Alas, I guess I just lack the mojo J seems to have in spades.
This coming weekend, J and I are trekking back to P-town to pack up our stuff and move it out to WaWa, which means we can finally: 1) stop sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor; 2) stop sitting in lawn chairs; 3) have more than one spoon; 4) watch TV again; 5) have things for the kitties to hide behind/under; and 6) have people over to visit/stay the night. Yee haw!
My job is going fan-friggin-tastic, but is kicking my butt in a good way (if that is possible). I have tons to learn and even more to accomplish. I really like my co-workers and our office environment. And they gave me a cell phone and PDA. Tres exciting.
But there is one downside to my job: working with 18 to 22 year olds. Not that working with them is bad, per say; in fact, they're quite fun, full of great ideas and passion. No, what is bad is that it reminds me that I am no longer 20. I was fine, excited even, at the prospect of turning 30 (in April, ahem). But after my first meeting with the 20-somethings, I realized that I am no longer 20 (duh) and that, to them, I am old. In my mind, I didn't mind turning 30 because, surely, I still looked and acted younger. Apparently not, but for a good many reasons. A lot has happened in my life in the past 10 years: I graduated from college; got my first "real" job; entered my first long-term relationship; went to graduate school; moved 8 times; got my Master's; got married; bought a house; etc. All things I would not trade to be 20 again. But I realized that during the past decade, I've unknowingly underwent a slow right of passage into adulthood, trading certain freedoms for others. And it's good I didn't know because it would've made this almost inevitable process harder. At the same time, though, I do need to grieve a little this passing, and to reflect on the state of my "adult" life and where it and I am headed.
Another interesting thing I have been kind of pondering (and I may have already written about this -- if I have, I do apologize that I'm too lazy to go back and check) is my vegetarianism. You see, technically, I live in College Place, not WaWa, a town dominated by Seventh Day Adventists and home to Walla Walla College, an Adventist institution. One tenet of Adventism is being a vegetarian. So, something that has been more counter culture in the other places where I have lived is now considered a religious thing, both by Adventists and non alike. When I tell people I'm vegetarian, I often get asked if I'm Adventist, which isn't bad or a problem, just kind of weird. On the plus side, all the grocery stores have an enormous vegetarian selection, particularly of fake meat in a can. Yes, you read that correctly. I've tried the fake duck in a can, and it's quite delicious, if I do say so. And the fake meat is often sold in bulk size (thanks to those large Adventist families), so J and I can stock up and survive the Apocalypse as vegetarians. Hallelujah.
I think this is my longest post to date. I starve you for weeks without posts, then dump a humdinger in your lap. Such is the life of Cora's blog readers, I guess.
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