whoa.

just read through my old posts. some of them are very personal. eek! so weird, now knowing someone else might be reading them. but i have resisted taking them down. go, cora!

some of the posts are also very navel gazing and high school psychology. blush.

on my library hold list

they only let you put 15 items on hold. dummy heads.

• Don't let your emotions run your life : how dialectical behavior therapy can put you in control by Scott E. Spradlin
• Ten lessons to transform your marriage : America's love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship by John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Joan DeClaire
• Secret daughter : a mixed-race daughter and the mother who gave her away by June Cross
• A year in the world : journeys of a passionate traveller by Frances Mayes
• Iran awakening : a memoir of revolution and hope by Shirin Ebadi with Azadeh Moaveni
• The Adventuress by Audrey Niffenegger (soon to be published)
• Stiff : the curious lives of human cadavers by Mary Roach
• I need your love-- is that true? : how to stop seeking love, approval, and appreciation and start finding them instead by Byron Katie, written with Michael Katz
• Liars and saints : a novel by Maile Meloy
• La perdida by Jessica Abel (not Jessica Alba the actress)
• Saving fish from drowning by Amy Tan
• The prize winner of Defiance, Ohio : how my mother raised 10 kids on 25 words or less by Terry Ryan
• Radio on : a listener's diary by Sarah Vowell
• The bitch in the house : 26 women tell the truth about sex, solitude, work, motherhood, and marriage edited by Cathi Hanauer
• The Four agreements companion book : using the four agreements to master the dream of your life by Don Miguel Ruiz, with Janet Mills

Currently reading: Comfort me with apples by Ruth Reichl

how i feel most days

the title is "holding breath."
how apropos (or however you spell that).

don't know...

today has been a very up and down day. maybe it's the heat. maybe it's my job, my marriage, my cats, my friends, my family, my house, my possessions. or me. maybe it's just me. the physical me. the emotional me. maybe. i feel very stuck. i feel like much of what i do, say, feel is done, said, felt because i've done it that way before. i feel like my life is not important. i feel worthless. i feel hot. i feel like each minute is passing too slow. and too fast, that it will all be gone before i can really appreciate it or experience it. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i hate my job. i feel it's my fault. i feel i am jumping from one experience to another, never really learning anything, never really challenging myself. not wanting to be challenged. i feel challenged enough just getting out of bed, just walking down the street. i want to work somewhere where i am good and don't need to do anything better or anything different. of course, i would complain that i felt unchallenged. it all feels so tedious. life feels so tedious. i feel that everything i have say, do, feel has been said, done, felt before. i feel what i work for, strive for is a farce. i help one person not contract hiv and that person gets hit by a bus or is murdered or hates herself. i can't believe anymore that i am here for a reason or that my life has a purpose. if that were true, all 10 billion of us would have a reason a purpose and look at the shape of the world. it's a shit-hole. are things really that different than 2000 years ago? circumstances, geography, yes. motivations, no. it just feels like its not getting any better. that i'm not getting any better. i'm tired of just surviving. i'm tired of striving. i'm tired of caring. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of thinking what if, when, or. the brain hurts. the soul is tired. the body is underused. my emotions stunted and heavy. this is not a good place to be. i've been here before. i keep running from this place and get away but seem to wind back up here. not sure why or what leads me here. maybe the meds. maybe the heat. maybe my stubbornness. i feel i carry so much with me, so much crap. anger, sadness, regret, guilt, what ifs, plans, to-do lists, worries, grief, pain, frustration, jealousies. there is always more to do. when will it be done? i just want, for once, to be done. to sit down and know there is nothing left. of course, that would probably scare the crap out of me if it really happened. but it sounds so nice right now. i feel like i could truly relax then. let go. float. feel peace, calm.

Freebie 5

(Though J has not condoned the freebie idea should an opportunity with one of these hotties presents itself):

1. Nathan Fillion (I'm sure J would approve this one)
2. Morena Baccarin (J would demand to participate)
3. James Marsten as the Spike pictured below
4. George Clooney
5. Evangeline Lilly as Kate

For a while, I had Joaquin Phoenix and David Beckham (who Jason would nix outright) on the list, but now I'm not feelin' it. Runners up include about half the cast of Lost (the doctor, Sawyer, Sun's hubby, Saiad, Boone) -- sigh.

As for Kate and Spike, I just don't think I could get it on with the real person.